Insomniac now for many months, I guess it’s time once again to ‘speak’ up, if you will, Hanukkah past and Christmas around the corner. All told, I’ve felt pretty disassociated- weeks turn into months with little form in my calendar. Would I even pass a (mental) status test? At this point I’m not so sure.
I’d say it’s hard to edit and publish on WordPress, but that wouldn’t be the truth. I have written quite a lot and I have a more already typed- I think what is there, is enough for a while.
Nevertheless I write (and write and write) -about whatever triggers me.
And then I get to do life-which is luckily (mostly) pleasant. I’ve plenty to do, if I’m honest with myself. I get to care for my house, yard, and neighbors. Creates little goals for me. Mind you, for the latter, I’d as well mind my business.
Managing life, I am more touched, less possessed, by my love angel going on over two years. Ever since June though, when I sent him my, “I love you” letter; my ‘psychosis’ is abated. Granted the persistence is there, but its shifts and is different- mostly in a (deeply) reassuring way.
I say mostly, because in reality, he’s not here and this extraordinary experience is imaginary.
As it continues to take over my conscious thought- ghostly interactive images of faces with eyes, 6-8 times throughout a day, when I suddenly find myself saying or thinking, “I love you”, in response, I started to say, “I love you too”.
It seems the “t”, in too, adds ground to the sound.
That’s gone on for the last few months. Now I can almost brush him off, like a flake of dandruff, but really not quite…he’s etherically pursuant- as well as being leading, but I don’t think I’ll need shock therapy after all.
Now when it comes on, I give my at-tu(n) ment, “I love you too”, instead of at-one-ment, “I love you”.
(I wonder if you too get one simply by reading?!)..
But then I ask my inner voice, “Why now?” am I ‘thinking’ of him- being reassured by hands cheek or lips, “Why now, and not five minutes before?”; Like Socrates shifting Psyche by question- rather than imposing with fears and scorning. She wants what she wants, after all.
After a couple of queries, the answers seem worthy, so far-
Such as maybe I should think twice about a choice.
Or do I want to feel secure. Or I’m second-guessing myself. (Hmm, this is interesting.)
Truthfully, if I could describe it, he’s coaching me in a school of sorts- his school, his approach. He ‘sends’ lots of music too- most of it not my choice and pretty corny, but gets me feeling a little lighter. Nonetheless, he- as man, asked me to “leave”, so far I’m in compliance. Other than wishing him “have a great day”, I’ve left him alone.
Ironic really, I’d heard of being guided etherically- having teachers in your dreams, but couldn’t believe it until it happened to me. 
Now, here I am with my very own entity coach, just what I need- and when I’m awake, instead of when sleeping.
What’s funny is he has many approaches, cueing me as if specifically. I wrote a whole essay about his hands giving me Reiki, during my dentist visits (which I generally don’t love at all). He was so persistent, like Harvey, I let them (my dentist and hygienist) in on my “secret”. Seriously, I have lost all entitlement to credibility.
Mashallah Habibi, for all I have been given, even if confusing. I am grateful for this season and each of these moments. I keep reassuring myself, I’m in the right place now.
May you find joy and light even in the glooms of Solstice- Just think in another couple of days, our light will be lengthening (assuming you’re in the Northern Hemisphere). May your gatherings be merry and bright.
 You just never know (and might not want to) about your neighbors, especially being a woman and outsider.
 My intrusive psychological entity must be similar to a direct experience of psychosis- subconsciously triggered and conjured and still feels real.
 For a while, after sending my letter, I’d just “tell” it to go away – I’d ‘already told his “master”, exactly how I felt’, even still giving him an out (all he has to do is say something like, “no”). He’d told me to “leave”; I’m trying to be abscissed (lt. from ab- away, Sciendere – to cut).
 Some of Josephine McCarthy books about being adept crept into my subconscious right away- making me realize the power of words strung together. Or maybe I just was ready to hear them.
 “Should”, is a word banned and suppressed in yoga. From At-ones, yoked-with-self, ‘let your breath lead you’, perspective (allegedly literal yoga) “should” implies obligations with pressure and procrastination. We do have obligations; they do have form- a result of pressure; we are supposed to do them – and usually feel we must, yet don’t want to do it- like chores, eating a healthy diet and caring for our body soma.
The word “should” broken down -“S” for Samech, Teth coiled in unity of circle. Teth is shaped by snake (sensed desires of will). On the tree of life – willingness or lust, as expansive trust, gets blocked by Gebvurah’s severity, angles, and forms. One’s degree of willingness (Teth’s path on the tree of life) to expand (Chesed), continues- until reality (Saturn and Mars) pops one’s bubble- vibrational sense of self –the vessel/form created at a moment of at-tune-ment; Like Dad says yes, but Mom, says “No”, not until…; “H”- Heh, His window of opportunity (we do or act, for an event or situation to occur). “O” and “U” are both Vau – spirit of self- now present as two amongst surrounds- like you and your mother, you and your wife, you and a boss. “L” Lamed implies judgment – as well as nag or prodding; L is reality part of dream that seems harsh or angled; it is Vau’s cast reflection once stuck in the ground. “D”– is Dalet, a specific thing done for opportunity or gain of some person place or thing. Dalet is Chokmah’s sacred gateway – for Aleph’s breath to form Binah’s shapes, her structures pyramid; manifest with Hod’s words, arising from desert’s crystals.
 Maybe my kids will give me a 6-month sub to E-harmony for Christmas!
 (2012) when I was in the mystery school and had just started a 9 month Kabbalah class, Gudni Gudnasson, the school’s founder, came to me in a dream. (I recognized him in a picture later) In his dream, since I was student sitting at a plain wooden desk- recalling my chalky elementary school, and he was the teacher. He directed me to “buckle down”; “The course was short, so I needed to pay attention”, “do my homework” (and clean up my act). What a convenient projection. Later on the course coordinator said that was typical. And I was a pretty good student. I just couldn’t name my “tangible and measurable result”… my goal of my Kabbalah course and what I wanted – (until now). So I made a six-foot tall tree of life with Paths and Sephiroths, in the four worlds. Now I see him in it!
 A movie about Jimmy Stewart’s invisible 7-foot tall rabbit companion that gave him advice, made in 1950.
Jennifer, I think that after reading many if not all of your blog posts. I am concerned about the amount of time spent in fantasy. Though they are apart of a directing force of what we want – it isn’t a place we can live forever. Disassociation is tricky, but vital to stay alive with things that are so difficult to live with. I would if I a friend, and I in a way feel I am prescribe that you do one thing a week to connect you with a new person (go to a cafe – say hello to a new face – and strike up a conversation), go to a local church, play bingo with the elderly just something to reconnect you with others (and importantly new people because you are on a new journey). I was hesitant to comment for several reasons, but it felt it weighing on my conscious not to comment or say that I haven’t read your posts in my own times of Hell or Trauma – because I also have deeply abusive parents and a sibling. I pray that healing and new life and love come your way. – a stranger on the internet
Thank you for your suggestions. I’m kidding about e-harmony (of course!). Happy New Year!
..and this is my time to process as I need to. It’s OK to be slowly coming out of my shell. I do somehow get exactly what I need.
and you don’t need E-harmony to make you feel whole. You know this, you are whole. You need to get out there and do something- in order to meet new people and someone kind and smart like you. I am not saying anything I haven’t already seen alludes of in your own writings and recognitions. Thank you for writing about your trauma, so I could know that it was possible to escape my own circumstances and fight for better.