‘NO’ is a powerful word. 

For just two letters,

Its energy is absurd!

*

NNNNnnnnooooOOOO.

“No” is made from the letters, N and O.

N from Nun – means fish in Hebrew.

Fish are a fractal of entity.

O is unity.

*

Together fish form schools which when coordinated,

look larger than they are.

Notice how fish swim together for safety –

Dwarfing predator’s using sonar.

*

And Nun,

is also a symbol for energy of death.

As entities born, will die

And with that, leave a hole in the world.

*

With his, “no” (which he, the man refuses to utter) and a word I am seeking, to hear on my eardrums.

That I might be freed from my torment being possessed by a man’s love spirit.

His lips, face, and hands enter my aura unbidden.

‘He’ molests my head and neck, kissing and suckling.

day in and day out unless I’m engaged with my life otherwise – so almost all night. I might get a wink of sleep. And as if I’d taken Spanish Fly or similar aragic, I masturbated endlessly, driven by its presence.

And is all in my imagination- of course. (And has been, for now over four years.)

**

Meanwhile, my hive mind is holding on to his words of seemingly genuine, warm regard.

Words, such as I had not heard before from any living soul.

Though this may not be entirely truthful;

It’s possible kind words were said, and that I ignored them.

*

You see, a part of me had shut down a long, long time before.

My parents felt, said, and acted as though I were an inconvenience.

They laughed when they said, I’d nearly miscarried.

And treated me with cruel offhandedness.

*

From being a runaway, as a young teenager, I landed in foster care.

(We have “foster care” as a federally supported program, even if imperfect, it serves an important purpose! And with that, I managed to further my education too.)

*

His words shattered my world – which was already in complete tatters.

(I’d left my lovely job with its titles, my ‘sick’ mother died, then beloved pets disappeared.

My husband of decades asked for a divorce. I had to move to a new location.

All this occurred in a matter of nine months.

*

My ‘A.C.E.’ (trauma) score was sky high.

With his words, and subsequent sensations,

I had a nervous breakdown-

and lost belief in the tangible.)

*

With his words, which he has not retracted,

everything I believe – about myself is in smithereens.

From here I must regain myself and create a whole new world.

This is my task, and it isn’t a faint one.

**

O is the symbol for oneness and atonement.

Too, as “o” completes when at the end of “no”, there’s a sense of finality.

Hearing “no”, sheds my hope for the thing brought into consciousness.

It’s true, hearing “no”, slices me deep in my chest – and is excruciatingly painful, but in time this too will heal- as have all the other betrayals.

**

“NO” means stop what you’re wishing for now.

“No” lays to rest dreams with their hopes and ‘plans’,

even if they were “mindless”-

stemming from our beheaded corpus’s deep subconscious.

*

For the recipient of a ‘No” answer, it is kind to be treated as though the conclusion were thoughtful.

So it is best for “no” to be said with ease and grace,

which I didn’t experience in this case.

*

Being kind, is important for both spell binder and spell’s recipient.

When we must finally utter “no”, we and our cohort missed a few signposts. We went (way) down a path, only to find a dead end, prompting us to backtrack- until life becomes comfortable again and our distance is regained.

Perhaps we ignore body language that suggests our actions are out of mutual alignment.

Some part of us is “blind” to create such confusion.

*

Or perhaps we forgot who had the power –

and wielded it against, instead of with.

Because it’s been done that way historically,

They can- and get away with it.

*

‘NO’ clashes with my hive mind(s) neural pathways.

Without a “no” to negate his words, my soma’s resonance is distorted.

Like a ping pong ball bouncing off of this wall and that,

his words perseverate.

*

And with that, years of stored imprints and engrams jiggle- words and sentiments of my parents, doctors, and teachers telling me I’m “not enough without blah, blah, blah” or, I “need their meds/operation/therapy” in order to be healed.

The thing is, I tried all that, and NOTHING worked.

By otherwise not listening or being taken seriously, the idea is reinforced tacitly, that “I’m small” and unimportant.

That instead I should, ‘leave it to the big boys to take care of my future’; and that

I don’t know what is best for myself.

*

Entities from circumstances I endured in my life,

Hide in my being.

I experienced release of many of them during my Vipassana retreat.

Such is the observation of those who write about a “body keeping score”. This is a truth.

*

With my ego in smithereens,

they struggle at their bonds wanting me to release them.

For me, I see

a multi-segmented snake^[1]– representative of ideas and concepts over time coalescing to become large and threatening.

*

At least it’s got form now!

I can see it.

So I can heal and (eventually) release it-

when I’ve picked off all the good parts (which there always are).

*

A “NO”, gives a boundary,

A separation that we need

To shift our perspective and frequency-

For Truths yield clarity.

*

For you to feel safe saying “NO” (in this case) to me,

Means you trust I can say “NO” to me too.

That implies you believe, I’m safe and

won’t hurt myself or another.

*

Also, when I can say “NO” to you,

We are safe in our forms,

and both parties keep their integrity

as individual.

*

The masks and hats we wear-

Sustain us amongst world’s confusion,

Its miseries and dramas’ mini-series.

We wear our titles of “dr” and “missus”, as tokens and amulets.

*

We’ll get to wear them, until, and there will be a time, when G-d weighs our spirit.

Wish me luck -I’m going to need it.

How shall I be rid of this love daemon?

Oh wait, I must savor this good feeling of opening and lightness – of falling in love with myself (even if he’s not the one).

*

Inner vision sees my daemon safely swimming away,

Beheaded I’m sad to say, his body is gone, but his head is in my heart.

(Maybe because his eyes glowed when he cast his words,

his head is still stuck with me).

The rest of him though releases into a shimmering rainbow of murmuring fishes, as he rejoins his ‘meat’ people.

---

^[1]And I now have a mirror neuron imprint

I’m wondering if I have a version of Asperger’s(?) after all?! Maybe I can claim being an American with a disability, even if there are few researched treatments.