This is to a drs. Website that had published an article about the power of “no”. Here was my comment:
“I too wrote an essay on the power of “no” – I was going through some ‘stuff’ which inspired to write it. At the time, I felt like I was being intrusively possessed and was trying to come to terms with it. Sensations like a foreign spirit had entered deep into my heart and midriff- after a man’s words hit me a certain way, when I was in a certain (or in my case, very uncertain) state.
Contrary to my doctor’s offers, I didn’t end up on meds. In fact, I got off of them.
All I wanted was for the man now to say, “no”, that he didn’t mean ‘that’, and then I figured my sensations would abate. They’d improved every other time I approached him. He didn’t ever say, “no”, but my symptoms have mostly resolved on their own, or I should say, I’ve transformed as a result of them.
Here is an essay that I’ve reworked since then. “
NO. (from LD #4.5)
“‘NO’ is a powerful word.
For just two letters,
Its energy is absurd!
*
A “NO”, gives a boundary, a separation that’s needed to shift our paths, focus, and intentions.
To shift our perspective and frequency- and happens when we’ve lost control or wasn’t clear, or both.
There’s less confusion when you hear it- and might include, ‘whatever were you thinking!?’.
You say, “no” to stop participating in your ongoing theatre – creational stage with the one across from you.
And this could be confusing, when you might have said, “yes” at another time.
**
Hearing “No”, we slow down.
We absorb the word and its undertones suggesting intentions etc, as we imagine the self-healing robot in “The Terminator” repairs itself- healing and re-annealing after ‘devastating’ injury- in this case an ego wound; sol’s output is dimmed.
With that, we might (re)assess what got us into so far of a mess –that we chose (or felt compelled) to say “no”, which can feel so final and off-putting, instead of similar words with the same conclusion.
With, a “NO”, In this moment both parties are freed from further engagement.
For a “no”, yields clarity.
Or at least one wishes so- no matter how softly put or not – if I say it, I said it -and I mean it, right? And same for him too -but he didn’t in this case; I don’t know what to think. My thoughts remain untethered.
***
“NO” is a word of decision – just like “yes” is. “
***
I was hoping for a “no”, or so I kept telling myself, when I went to see him whom I gave Reiki to several months earlier. I needed to share my story of possession since our appointment.
During which time before, during, and afterwards (so it wasn’t just the Reiki session), he said to me, in my ear, words that were exquisitely sweet and unexpected. They flew into my heart directly when I was still in my ‘healing zone’.
From his last, “You can do whatever you want”, after saying, “I loved seeing you in your element” and then hoarsely saying he was seeking “an intense and passionate relationship.” And even before the session, that he’d had a dream about me – with my guides, (Quan Yin and Archangel Michael), and in that, I went to “kiss” him. He planted the seeds of tenderness.
Then, I’d used my hands for healing and barely touched him within accordance to traditional Usui Reiki protocol (except for that brief moment when I felt a power come over me and suddenly, I squeezed his hips rather staccato- like- WTF was that?!).
It was after all of it, I got “possessed”.
Sensations of a warm loving energetic intrusive entity, like a flame move through me. It started from the bottom of my heart then moved over to my spleen and escalated over the next few days – while I was trying to pack up, divorce my ex- and move – all of which I did – just before Covid. I was distracted the whole time. (But maybe under the circumstances that’s normal anyway?)
My kids were horrified – and still are about that and a few more things.
***
‘He’ molests my head and neck, kissing and suckling, that is, his spirit energy. Initially it felt so intrusive, it was like a date ‘rape’ me (that happened to me once- and it wasn’t a date either – it was a “bike lift” which I’ll never forget).
Flooding me with sensation of his lips, face, and hands upon my skin, a spirit enters my aura unbidden- distracting me from tasks I’m -doing.
Sometimes there’s a sense of ~body odor (mild and pleasant; we have conversations as if he’s in water behind a glass- I can see him and hear muffled utterances.”
I wrote a whole essay on his kisses – they were so sweet and intense.
“Sometimes, I feel as if I’m kissing whiskers- or being tickled by hairs on my cheek – and no it isn’t my cats!
My sense of having ‘foreign’ energy in my aura which is ~incessant though pleasant – has been overpowering.
Sometimes I hysterically laugh or cry. Once I sat for two hours at the beach, bawling my eyes out. I hadn’t cried in years; it was physically painful.
**
Unless I’m engaged with life otherwise, he’s in my field. Because I’m habitually busy, or was, this leaves all nighttime to breath, kiss, and fondle. I might get a wink of sleep.
And at first was as if I’d taken Spanish Fly or similar irritant- I was so horny. I masturbated endlessly, driven by its presence. ‘”This is absolutely wild,” I thought.
And he is all in my imagination, apparently. “
This led me a 9 months later to begging for a “no”, “please, say you didn’t mean it’ (even if inside, I hoped he did).
This last on the telephone –I even read a script to his receptionist who answered – was a suggestion from my then therapist. The nurse who next answered refused to pass the phone to him.
I said he could leave “no”, in any form, as a message. He didn’t call me back to leave one.
He, the man, refuses to utter, “no”, nor to acknowledge me. My sons say it’s because they teach men these days to ‘just ignore her’ until they/ “she” goes away.
And that’s what my ex- did whenever I wanted to engage.
I continue to feel intensely bonded to him, or at least my meat body and heart does. ‘She’, my inner soma being, ‘feels’ we should be married! (Can you believe it?)
I wish his, “no” would free me for he’s otherwise a ~complete stranger!
**
Although I must confess, in addition to the ‘hip squeeze’, I “heard voices” –dialing in from far away, telling me this or that about him. Like he’s “a dime a dozen”, “he’ll never hurt you (physically)”, and some other crazy stuff.
Maybe squeezing his hips helped his knee pains which he said were bothering him.
**
And, about the same time, standing on his right side, I channeled[1] a tall “Indian” spirit, who suggested I mention to him on a follow-up appointment, “tomahawk throwing,” to manage his anger. (Do you know how challenging that must be to accurately throw- I’d imagine it would be frustrating, lol – and I recently heard this is actually a thing to do?!)
The guy is a chiropractor and likes playing with angles. Instead I told him about it a year later in a text message. After I witnessed him yelling quite loudly- so he does have anger issues!
Turns out he was angry about me! Realizing that, a part of me felt gleeful.
**
Words, such as I hadn’t heard from a living soul- pierced my consciousness; I liken it to a golden shard. At least I hadn’t heard such kind words directed personally until then, or if so, I ignored them.
His words shattered my world – which was already in tatters.
*****
During the year before, I’d left my lovely job with its money and titles and became exquisitely egg sensitive (say goodbye to all my favorite foods – like Hollandaise, angel food cake and crème brule).
That year, my poor (mean) ‘sick’ mother died, then beloved cat disappeared. We euthanized our elderly dog. 3000 miles away, my father sat in his urine. My brother called me “antifa” and said I tried to kill him (when I was 4).
My sister and I go without speaking for years – and we were in one of those periods. This occurred in the prior nine months (when Pluto was transiting my natal Mars- a transit which takes months).
Then, right before our 26th anniversary, and three weeks before I met the guy, my husband asked for a divorce. Even though my ex- wanted me to stay in the family home while he dated, I had to/ got to move to a new location.
I know it could have been worse, but I was newly devastated.
With those conditions, freed from expectations and bonds of all these beings ~at once, I was an empty shell.
I was undone – or at least the start of it. COVID lock-down started a month later.
My emotional instability score was sky high! Probably, that’s the measurable part of why I was so “susceptible” to becoming possessed in the first place (or maybe that’s just coincidence).
Read my “Entities” essay here – which I wrote 2 years before it happened. https://drjenwyman-clemons.com/2018/08/11/entities/
***
And then there was my past. A part of me had shut down a long, long time before- around the age of 3 or 4 when both parents felt, said, and acted as though I were an inconvenience.
“Children are to be seen and not heard” I believe the saying went- though they changed it to being seen and not “hurt” (or something harsh like that).
*
They laughed when they said, she’d nearly miscarried me, and treated me with cruel offhandedness. She said, after beating me and locking me in my room for hours (so I soiled myself), “I love you, but don’t like you” – teaching me her love meant pain and ‘torture’.
(In retrospect of course it wasn’t – it seemed so at the time – like the girl in (book I identified with).
*
Worst of all though were her debilitating words which got worse as she became more psychotic – or so she was diagnosed.
At least we could have conversations before the yelling began and then she’d call me different “titles” comparing me to (ugly) him or (criminal) her.
With meds her moods stabilized and she became a boring zombie.
I missed her brilliant sarcasm.
*
From being a runaway as a young tween and teenager, I landed in foster care at age 14. When that proved too difficult, I was emancipated at 16 to live on my own.
I’m mentioning this to describe the world as I experienced it- before I set on my path to marriage. I always knew I needed to “heal”, because I always felt so clamped and bitter – like there was an iceberg on my shoulder, never mind a chip. I was always in “therapy”.
*****
As my world shattered, and with an ongoing foreign entity in my field, I had a nervous breakdown- and lost belief in the tangible.
I came to believe we are 100% probabilistic electron clouds bouncing photons from our surface – and radiating light from within. We are pure energy beings in the waveform of hu(e)-man. We are a collection of mitochondrial tissues.
We each are of different resonances- depending on what we ingest, speak, listen and do. WE are beings of chakra energy. Our 3D world is an illusion.
Our eyes transmit as well as take in, lots of information – subliminally- meaning unconsciously.
***
And I realized even more tangibly, how we are the embodiment of our astrology- natal, progressed, and transiting.
Our natal chart’s energy is ~stamped by our first breath. This forms our “cross of life”, which then slowly ‘progresses’ when activated by transiting planets. This is both time and space dependent –and shows up as our 3D world.
Day to day, our waveform of energy is the product of these forces within our milieu- what comes at us.
(Too, since everything in your emotional collective is also your projection- what you strongly resonate for (or against)- what comes “at” us, is also depicted in our chart – as those forces designated by seventh house: people, places, and things that ‘face’ us- Nouns we see head on and deal with directly).
While for some this implies a deterministic outcome – we can always change our timelines (and destinies) with each response and decision we make, such as how we use “free will”.
And too, we shift our timeline by choosing not to engage or pursue, aka “turning the other cheek” (unless we want more of it.)
We are born where our spirit entity energy ‘fit’ geographically and temporally. To be born means you can move matter and push forms- so is we embody both time and gravity =Saturn- dependent.
Your specific resonance is also carried in your name. Our consonants predict our ‘personality’ and vowels have ‘power’. (This is basic numerology) Luckily, you can always change your name.
Our task as hu(e)-mans, is to differentiate, grow, and blossom from our family (familiar’s) collective.
**
Our natal chart marks our energies in this incarnation. It “shows” where we came from (our father’s home and roots- I.C. the Imum Coeli), and what we’re here to be known for our M.C., Medium Coeli in our world’s mystery play.
Our energy embodies planetary transits and progressions. Our personality as a sum of our perceptions- our Ascendant, changes and shifts – as does our status in life.
Our interactions with “others” also shift us as we engage with others based on what’s mutually or individually important.
Those that really influence us, and with whom we “co-create”, are our close partners, spouses (and open enemies – so “frenemies”). (Opposite our Ascendant, these are our Descendants. Here’s a short video about the “seventh house”. The guy is kind of deterministic, but he does a good job of summing things! https://youtu.be/c2pImnhEmpA?si=-s3xJoMs66J3W_Li
*
There are no mistakes or accidents, but there are collisions and consequences. We are each meant to be exactly where we are, so ~perfect, – but can always become more excellent! (by our own definition).
I’d known this already as a teen doing my own chart, but my intrusion helped me articulate it since it is a direct experience.
***
Up to now, the majority of hu(e)-mans are ~completely untapped as far as their inner strengths and talents.
Whatever they are, however far they’ve come, they could be so much more.
What is thing slowing us down- as a culture we’re focusing on the wrong stuff, instead of what would be helpful (like learning to meditate, and our basic astrology, as well as my “souk” school and having a multi-faceted useful community center) instead actively polarizing people – so they outsource talents to someone else, and engage with power struggles.
***
From my experience of being shattered by this person’s words, I’ve come to more appreciate words power. It is especially important is how we use them.
Words should be chosen and used as if one were speaking kindly to an adorable three-year-old – with everyone you meet regardless.
Right there, without changing anything else, will make a huge improvement in your life.
*
“With his words, which he has not retracted,
everything I believe – about myself is in smithereens.
From here I must regain myself and create a whole new world.
This is my task, and it isn’t a faint one.”
**
I was/am always intense ‘about my mission’- my lofty aims for myself with mankind, as it were- this is what I was born to do, I just needed to find a way to express myself. Because my collective seemed quite overall unsupportive, when invited somewhere I’d say, ‘let me read this article’ or ‘write in my journal’, or “I’m busy, please don’t disturb me!”
I’d carry big bags on vacation.
While I don’t actively recall either parent reading, I used them like a crutch.
Coming from my personal collective – reading was my way out of my family’s emotional dramas.
**
“NO” is a word, that when heard, awakens a scheming mind.
*
The heart will keep trying to fulfill its want- no matter what the solution looks like.
It’s how it ‘feels’ that counts; so it ‘arranges matters’ to feel good (oxytocin or endorphins) and alive (dopamine)!
The heart’s always looking for company – so l’oves it when you spend time with each other- even if one’s “sick” or debilitated (the heart does anything to get that golden attention and your looks and touches of sympathy.
With our soma-starved culture, from no one touching, no wonder doctors have such a thriving business. (And thank G-d for each one of them as well!)
*
Attention is attention; when someone says “no”, they see you expressing your ‘waveform’ body in a way they don’t like- and yet their focus is upon you (and not on their important and meaningful creations).
Here is another essay written by someone else who further encapsulates this idea: https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1DmcVLDgNi/
*
And yet, this is exactly the dance prescribed in your stars.
So forgive yourself when you “make a mistake” and get burned. Collectives are very ill (more I’ll not we’ll) these days.
Corrupt, with betrayed and broken hearts, they have all kinds of ‘bad’ behaviors.
***
The utterer of “No”, ‘hopes’ (or worries) about it being honored. How will s/he know this – will soma be satisfied?
Uttering “no”, one will measure a version of follow through – as in, did the thing “stop” and for good?
When our “no” is honored, that is powerful, heady even.
Saying “No” is a clearing mantra- say it often enough and people won’t want to be around you. I think I’m going to practice it – so I stop being sensitive to it. My “needs” after all, are ~ projection and illusion.
***
“”No” is made from the letters, N and O.
N is the source of Nun, which means fish in Hebrew.
In a collective (or school), fish are a fractal of whole’s entity.
In a collective, an individual fish loses individuality.
*
O is unity.
O is the symbol for oneness and atonement and indicates a state of inclusivity – with ‘N’, a moment, temporally-based entity of engagement, is complete(d).
Too, as “o” completes, when at the end of “no”, there’s a sense of finality.
*
NNNNnnnnooooOOOO. (Misery of loss)
No! (No way)
No, (Factual alternative, adding nuance)
No. (Flat Denial)
No? (Playing guessing game)””
*
I could continue; there are many ways I can say “no”.
Each engages the listener differently- and also depends on what “state” they’re in.
Each suggests a different next response which could be elicited.
For example the first one, “NNNNnnnoooOOO”, might elicit a sympathetic “I’m so sorry”.
The second, “NO!”, an angry “Why not!?” and defiance.
The third, “No,” perhaps saves face for both and we can leave the engagement gracefully, especially when the utterer says, “but” or “thank you”.
The fourth, “No.” flat denial, might elicit hatred (which I like to spell hat-red – because those who like to wear red hats in public tend to be angry and in-your-face attention-seeking).
You’re made because you’ve just been negated as not worth being answered to more sensitively.
No? – means it might’ve been “yes” under another circumstance.
*
No wonder “no” is confusing. (Of course, you can add confusion to “yes” as well).
*
Hearing “no”, sheds my hope for the thing to acted on.
It’s true, hearing “no”, might slice me deep in my chest – especially if it’s about a thing I really cared about, and can be excruciatingly painful; in some cases it could bring relief.
But in time dashed hopes too will heal- as do all other betrayals (especially when we remember we’re always in the palm of G-d’s hand – even if it’s temporarily bunched up like a fist!)
**
“”NO” means stop what you’re wishing for- with me.
“No” lays to rest dreams with their hopes and ‘plans’,
even if they were “mindless”-
that is,
stemming from my beheaded corpus’s deep subconscious.“
*
For the recipient of a ‘No” answer, it is kind to be treated as though the conclusion were thoughtful.
So it is best for “no” to be said with kind grace,
which I haven’t experienced in this case.
Being kind, is important for both spell binder and spell’s recipient-
as both hearts hear it.
**8
When we must finally utter “no”, we and our cohort missed a few signposts.
Perhaps we ignore the other’s body language and our intentions aren’t in mutual alignment.
Some part of us is “blind” to create such confusion; perhaps our mirror neurons didn’t engage with the other’s waveform.
Until we gain our sense of distance (when rejection’s hormones are processed) and life becomes comfortable again, we must redefine ourselves in the moment, and gracefully pivot.
**
Or perhaps we forget who has power-
we believe “they” have it- not us.[2]
We (subconsciously) think they share our goals-
from assumptions based what we’ve been told,
but they don’t in reality.
*
Getting attention from this natural alpha,
one feels a thrill of relief at, “(finally) being seen”,
Especially if they keep you waiting first.
(And doubly so, if the waiting area was stressful
with loud TV or children misbehaving.)
*
But when s/he “alpha” wields their power
against you, instead of with, treating you like a faceless number
(or a lab result)
instead of divine creator being that you are,
you’re left feeling more dependent (on them) rather than confident.
You feel worse objectively, when you leave.
*
(By this I mean, check your vital signs.
See if BP and heartrate’s lower and you’re more relaxed, than when you went in.
If not, then you’ll know- visiting them isn’t your “happy place”.)
P.S. this isn’t empowerment.
***
And you still have your “problem”,
though now you might have a pill for it.
With external solutions to problems from your home or work milieu-
you’ve outsourced and projected the cause of your discomfort.
*
In reality, “you”, as in your heart and soma self, might be more confused than when you started.
More dependent, you’re further distracted from the cause(s) of your adverse reality[3].
*
“ ‘NO’ clashes with my hive mind(s) neural pathways,
though as a syllable it’s insinuates.
Without hard consonant,
it doesn’t intrinsically make a powerful vibration.
*
Without a “no” to negate his words,
my soma’s resonance stays distorted.
Like a ping pong ball bouncing off of the wall, ceiling, and floor,
his phrases and their sensations perseverate.
*
And with that, years of stored imprints and engrams are jiggled.
Words and snippets well up one after another-
Old words from those who felt mentoring
Remind me to do this or that- even nag.
*
Their words of ‘caring’, replay like tapes.
Ostensibly said for my success and health-
which I ~generally radiate.
(Until recently, I hadn’t a clue about happiness- nor did they.)
*
The thing is, I tried all their suggestions and recommendations.
Honored unsolicited (which seemed more honest) advice,
to the best of my ability.
Even if it was free – and especially if I didn’t like it.
*
NOTHING worked -except 12 Steps – in the form of A.A. (Alcoholics Anonymous), A.C.A (Adult Children of Alchoholics), or N.A. (Narcotics Anonymous)
which not one recommended.
My family life wasn’t happier;
I was in more pain than ever- until I started surrendering.
*
I sure don’t know what is best for myself-
but it probably has to do with clean air, water, and food –
especially those I choose.
And also to honor the elements as mystical principles.[4]
***
Also, when I can say “NO” to you,
And you accept it graciously,
For another day, we are safe in our forms,
both parties keep their individual integrity.
******
How shall I be free of this love daemon?
Oh wait, I want this good feeling of opening and lightness –
of falling in love with myself (even if he’s not the one).
So more the question, what else do I need to do to integrate?
*
Wish me luck -I’m going to need it.
I signed up for an on-line dating service (but didn’t commit to big bucks yet).
With him plaguing me, the topic might come up-
This could lead to an interesting conversation – not.
(I can’t imagine anything more off-putting! Bastard he’s still got me!!!)
*
“Using lucid dreaming, I envision on my Inner vision screen
my love spirit daemon entity swimming away safely,
released into a shimmering rainbow of murmuring fishes-
back to join his 3D collective.
*
Beheaded I’m sad to say,
his body is what goes,
as he rejoins his ‘meat’ people;
his head is still stuck in my heart. “
*
Maybe they stuck
because his eyes ~glowed
when he said the words he said.
And two months before meeting him,
*
I had a vision that looked like him –
a man with twinkling eyes, dimples, and facial hair –
who fell in l’ove with me- and in my essence of being.
(No wonder I’m confused.)
(And I had another dream about him- this one he was with a very attractive but ~somewhat dumpy little wife. She could have been pregnant or just chubby.
Could have been me at one time – if you mixed me now, with me young- when I had really full luxuriant hair. But this ~beautiful woman had brown eyes, not hazel. Both were really happy.)
*
Don’t laugh it could happen to you too –
under your version of extenuating circumstance!
You too might “get possessed”, if you aren’t already. (Really check out my L.D. -1 essay!
Then call me, I may have ideas for you and how you can free yourself too!
[1] Whenever I do Reiki, I offer to “channel” with the intention is always “for the highest and greatest good of all beings, including the client (and me) down to our tiptoes”. I ‘see’ symbolic pictures of (usually) or where they’re stuck or am otherwise a witness for something they already ‘know’ but needed to articulate.
[2] By “they”, I’m referring to the natural alpha of the two – the one taller or lighter or wearing fancy bling, and is usually also the one with the lowest heart rate in the room.
[3] We create our reality – by how we use our actions and words in a moment. A healthy collective gives all its members the same advantages –men and women alike. Both are capable of so much more than what we’ve come to accept.
With opportunities to genuinely shine in lasting and tangible ways, our soma self thrives- you don’t get sick (until hubris catches you).
[4] i.e.- Air = healthy changes and fresh ideas; Water = l’oving emotions; Fire= spiritual practices; Earth= gratitude for all that touches.
Many Blessings! All is Inshallah!
