On my special day (March 4th).
Lol, if there were a theme to my life-
“March forth” might be it.
Constantly rallying – from drowning
no matter how hard I try (it seems)
To balance many worlds at once together- ‘real and imaginary’
And yet in reality, I’m doing nothing but sitting or.
Or, puttering around doing chores, like folding laundry.
*****
Had a rough night last night- the L.D. intrusions so continuous.
The minute I lie down
And shut off the lights, and still
even now, as I am typing.
*
Intense body surges – my solar plexus is pulsating by some strange phenomena – oxytocin run amok.
Bombarded with constant ‘visions’ of his face before me- still from all angles. Even in back of me. Makes me mad too.
to ‘see’ ~distorted images of lips and whiskers with their warm moist sustained sensations amid scratchiness.
Nose breathing against my philtrum.
This has been going on constantly, and until now intrusively, for over three years.
*
Being possessed is my idea of bondage- not freedom.
I finally went out and puffed – in the middle of the night(!)[1]
Only way to ‘distance’ myself from the
Emotional process- for now anyway.
*
The day before, I even called him again and asked him to call me back (these sensations relentless now for over THREE f*cking years. My message was a nice and mostly balanced sounding. – it cracked a bit in the middle
(He did not return my call.)
Though I suspect my number’s blocked –
so he maybe doesn’t get my messages either by voice or text.
*****
Such a predicament to me to be in!
65 and a hag.
I’m letting my hair grow out as in no longer coloring. And I hardly wear makeup ever- was rare before.
Though I also know the word hag could be related to “hygge” – a Danish and Norwegian word referring to a “sense of coziness and comfortable conviviality” (especially during harsh winters)( from Wikipedia) -which one as a hag could provide, even if ugly.
Hygge is not a German word or concept- the German word with similar definition is Die Gemütlichkeit (with Mutti – mother, in the middle and Der Mût is courage)- restoring our kites’ loft for another day). German words all sound out the “e” on the end- one of their literal (over-) control things.
To be in a visible state of ‘gg[2]’ or inner at-tonement, might be hag’s hallmark.
With the “Y”, is of our eye’s sovereignty (Ayin ע looks like a “Y”)- ץ; is also from Yod (Yod’s י by spelling). Though hygg’es y isn’t at the end – which then would be Tsaddi -ץ. Happy tzaddik dances like a lure for ‘her’.
*
And as hag, I don’t care how I’m judged – or maybe don’t need to care; be comfortable being myself. Maybe now I don’t always have a smile plastered on my face. Or don’t seem to want to make an especially good impression- say be attractive when I go out (to the grocery store or get a gas fill-up. Luckily, I don’t live in the suburbs, where it’s in to be frumpy. (OMG – you should see how folk s leave their houses these days!)
*
And of course hag is, or could be also related to the word, “Hajj”- or I could choose that as a goal. The Hajj being one’s life quest to visit a magnificent black marble box covered with stylized gold inlay- the most holy site in Islam- sitting in the middle of previously endless desert. Unfortunately I give my oaths only to G-d as all beings are my prophets- so a visit to Her, is indeed unlikely..
As an attraction, She is genius. And testament to “if you build it, they will come”.
As vessel, she is bound and married to hearts of millions of pilgrims –
by their seven counterclockwise circumambulations and with their deep prayers.
And with that, ‘She’ is married to them. Her ‘energy’ becomes indelibly inked in the pilgrim’s aura as an anchor and power totem[3]. And visible to those with inner vision, like a seer.
Pilgrim in turn feel deeply blessed and fulfilled- renewing their vows to honor Islam’s holy pillars. Later, returning from the Hajj reflects on the rest of the family members. It is a great honor to be able to finish the Hajj; and to be able to complete one is testament to G-d’s abundance.. Everyone benefits. Doesn’t count as much, to be taken by a parent.
As a goal for my hag- self to embody either, wouldn’t actually be too bad to come home to – consider- a sense of indescribable safety and comfort, along with grounded sense of (holy) completion -especially when the lights were down. (His Gesicht, as in face, is not perfect either.
It’s a funny thing, after I tried to contact him, I saw him get into his (new) car just the next day. He looks grayer himself.)
*****
You see, so that’s how it is for me. And there are other things shifting all at the same time. Like a big Titanic, sneaking up in the night.
This year, I didn’t have the pleasure of any actual human’s visit. It was the second birthday when I wouldn’t hear my father’s voice singing “Happy Birthday”. So I sang it out loud to myself, and my brother and his wife-life partner later sang to me on their cell phones.
My brother too, loved Dad’s custom of singing “Happy Birthday”, so he keeps it up. (I do too – for him)
We didn’t talk too long – he started to shiver- it was in the middle of a snow squall- he lives in New England; their grasshopper cell phone reception is better outside – breaks up otherwise. Limits conversations that might seem frivolous.
*****
As far as attaining 65 years, I’m now senior discount eligible – as well as eligible for Uncle Sam’s free “health” program. I’ll probably use the first one quite a lot -at Marlene’s fancy-shmancy ashwaganda, will get a 15% discount. The second, Medicare, while I’m glad it is there – for the security that I can be ‘seen’ any time- even if I have to later pay (a lot), may it be so I never need to use it- other than how I use the word in my essay “the Souk” (in pre-publication status).
(There is no substance of today’s health system that in any way helps one be healthy – at least not directly. What is generated are want/not want aversions, anchors, and limiting fixed beliefs -which then fuel an economy of il(l)-lusion, rather than lusion – of light (and loosing).
Until health care is actually supportive of self’s essence and healing-foundations for an economy of abundance, I want no part of it.)
***
65– sums to eleven, and from there to two, in base ten numerology. Years summing to eleven, tend to be hairy- my 65th year wasn’t an exception-I got a lot untangled.
My 65th was for dealing with the unshakeable intelligence of duality. I feel I’m making “progress” with my interests in life-while becoming more inwardly organized. I can’t deny there’s a part of me feeling grounded –but also more stuck than planted, than ever previously- mostly because I’m still so actively having the experience of (rapturous)“possession”.
These last 3 years alone, during my Uranus Squaring[4], I feel like I’ve been in a forge transforming. I’m giving myself grace for what seem to be challenges during my transformation from chicken to crowing. This transformation isn’t always smooth and meticulous, which besides “intense” and “passionate”, describe me to a tee (or did) any way and so are “out of my comfort zone”.)
Turning 50 for me, felt “terrible”. For the year before, I felt inwardly upset- like being roasted on the inside. I thought, ‘Here I was, halfway to 100- and hadn’t made a ‘dent‘ in my path’. Until then, I was following along in my “being a doctor” rut- doing the best thing – my then husband wanted for me. I felt “successful” working half-time and earning 100+k. (Earning “six figures” always seemed to awe the men who spoke of salaries- so had been a ‘goal’ for me). So yes, I was stoop-ed; I was just getting to know it though.
Turning 40 was kind of fun. I had a big party for that one –we were living in Germany. We even bought a bottle of Dom Perignon (one). Someone gave me a card with pictogram teasing me – “You’re no longer a spring chicken”. So true – I had some aches and p’ains- fattened mostly from eating too much of everything, especially pain (French bread). The chicken part was funny – as an inside joke -especially when I knew I was a rooster, but couldn’t tell anybody! Outside I actually was quite fit from dancing and running; no way was having babies going to slow me (yet).
*****
My 65th was a year I ~effortlessly quit drinking coffee after 50+ years of ~daily cappuccinos. How did I do this? I wrote out the whole ritual in gory detail. What I loved and wanted to keep, and what I was releasing. Including All sensory (tactile, aural, oral, and olfactory) cues I could observe. Then I made a little ceremony when I took out my Rancilio coffee maker to the garage, where it sits, next to an instant espresso maker.
I’m thinking now – I should do one about smoking – oh wait, I have 3 times already! But I can and I do stop, when times demand (or request).
*****
I’m working on an essay about the Egyptian souk/education/ how that is an example of sustainable essential economy; am near the end of (typical) rough finish.
There were several moments this week when parts of the house got extra sparkly- either from me deep cleaning, or being beautified. I repainted the kitchen trim last weekend –it is more attractive now.
The effect of being fresh doesn’t last too long with cats and their dusts- so I enjoy each tangible improvement for the moments they do. Sometimes even take pictures of them to remind me of how uplifting they look clean.
For gifts, I bought some aqua blue sweaters. It is rare for my color palette to be in season both from Peruvian Connection and Misook – I took advantage. Aqua is one of my favorite colors- but I wear it rarely.
Yesterday, Arden Reese, a mystic color channel, shared a lovely meditation about March having an aqua path –leading to a beautiful (spiritually crystalline) city. So here’s a lovely serendipity. I ‘saw’ a lovely crystalline city, with snow-scape a couple of months ago, (as well as a roomful of cheerful men and women wearing yarmulkes). I shared that in the comments; gives reinforcement for all.
These last years too, I’ve not kept my word for the first time- because it was convenient. Even though I was speaking my mind- I have since changed it (which is OK too).
All for now,
Love Jennifer
PS Did you know, if you write down your “problem” very carefully, each word you use will fall into a planet’s domain. From there you can get a sense of what is out of balance. Planets, like spices, are most effective when subtle. To name a thing clearly, helps define it’s scope- but also means it’s’ too strong’ – being noticed. (Volume somewhere else needs be turned up, for example. strengths are powers that can be managed).
But as cooks knows, there is no cure for adding too much of any one thing – salt or seasoning, other than to start over. (It really is OK to get a divorce- you don’t have to die on him or her.)
[1] I looked up the aspect the next day after my night of unusually restless misery (these days) and there was Venus conjunct Chiron – healing deep relationship wounds overarching the period, and in 30 degree acute growth angle to my sun- and was perfected with moon’s placement and timing.
Lol, exactly as the moon hit Uranus was when I ‘broke’ my inner rules (not to smoke after a certain time a went outside.)
[2] “gg” is resonating Mem squared, as well as light giving Gimel -flashlight and sun together when combined alchemically (through Tipheret’s heart and Samech’s unity).
[3][3] Can you imagine yourself sitting in the middle of the Kaaba– draped in flowing silks and surrounded by a multitude of humanity whose once in a lifetime dream was to see Her are in a deep state of passion and murmuring prayer? (Or that’s what I’d be like, if I went to see Her. I wouldn’t want anyone to be less serious.) Men and women praying day in and day out- She is enveloped in a swirl of babble. Hears many words in many languages.
(If She (the Ka’aba) only ‘knew’ how many more languages there were, perhaps She wouldn’t answer prayers in the same ways- She does answer all of them.)
By these attentions of the pilgrims, She is empowered and empowering- and increasing visits to all the other holy places no one might visit otherwise (at least until now).
(Gaia loves visitors – everywhere on Her, as in all over the planet. Just try not to leave anything but footsteps. Trying is key. If you, in your heart of hearts, really tries for any state or noun, or you try to do the “right thing” or take some special care, for any one creature – be it place, human or plant- this counts. It counts not only to the object of your attentions, but also and especially to your inner corpus- as positive active engagement with the world. Making bonds to both be more “real”-even if you do “it” once or a few times, or don’t want to.
Noticing anything of Her creation, is for Her, as a blessing (or curse)– and for its lineage-giving it added purpose- to you. From Her perspective, You are the creator G-d). She knows she’s unlimited and powerful – yet He – as in those with more nimble will (and fingers), shapes Her any which way they want.)
[4] Uranus squares (and oppositions) our genius of self (natal Uranus in a sign) can be experienced as a ‘stumbling block’- a sudden event creating a series of ‘engagements’ where we have to “make choices”, causing us to “level up”, though they can feel catastrophic at the exact moment when it all lines up just right – from your natal chart’s perspective. These periods are like earthquakes, and can be literally- depends on where the other planets are “playing”. These particular types of tests happen every 21(plus or minus) years with Uranus’s 84 year orbit around the sun.
