Lightness of Being

Sometimes ~ 5-10 times a day, mostly depending on how long it’s been since I went to see him, I’ll be busying myself with a little chore like folding laundry or tidying[1], doing ballet, or with a big project like building the cedar shed and potting bench I just finished- whatever, unless I’m actively engaged with someone else, little sensations will tug[2]at me – my heart especially, which distract me just enough that before I realize it, I’m saying “I love you” out loud.

Or I might say it in my head if it happens when I’m shopping for groceries- like twenty times, until the sensation abates. Then I can “come back to my senses” of being present in the moment.

Most of the time, I have to stop what I’m doing and pause to acknowledge the sometimes over-powering sensations of what (?!), for lack of a better word “rapture” that flood my body.

I have to laugh. Really, I have absolutely no control of any of this! I have to feel it’s funny. I have laughed out loud hysterically – between tears and sobs and despairing. Fortunately those extremes are rarer too. 

I’m glad it’s a good feeling. Imagine if it felt bad? That would be awful. I feel very sympathetic to those who’ve told me they’ve felt possessed by another’s[3]entity. With this experience of possession, my brain and body tracts got linked together in a very specific way that are so far unable to be undone.  

Whether I do or don’t write about it, it doesn’t seem to matter. Lol. And of course, no one I know wants to hear my stories.  Did I say my experience with him keeps changing too – his age and activities morphing? In some ways, I feel there’s an ‘unbearable lightness’ in my being.

My kids even walked out on my on my birthday 3 months ago and only one has come over – for Mother’s Day[4]; the other mostly cut me off and doesn’t return my texts. They both said it was because I spoke with them about an event that still affects me[5].[6]

Using the Book  a Course of Miracles method, as in “this (named thought/sensation/emotion) means nothing”, has helped turn the learned collection of symbols that link my senses with him[7]to become more abstract. Sometimes I even feel like there are layers falling off. 

This practice of dissociation is like Vipassana[8], and in my case results in strong Kundalini (?) sensations – at the base of my spine or charging around acupuncture meridians. I am forced to rock and dance or I’ll find myself running around like a cat in heat or as if I got into Spanish Fly[9]. I’m not kidding. This is surreal[10].

Clearly these sensations may be a form of synesthesia. My brain has even got me seeing 11:11 almost every day! My dog, Chloe, had an accurate inner clock my dog who knew when it was time for dinner and bedtime!

If these sensations were occurring to me as an infant or young child, or like the hot flashes I got before menarche that started out lower, I’d have nothing to link them; I would have a beginner’s mind.  I’d be ‘thinking’, “Hmmm, what is this, I wonder”?! 

In any event, I am disturbed; I hope these sensations don’t last forever! What will I do?


[1]Though in all honesty I still suck at general housekeeping; nor do I particularly care – as long as I’m engaged with something interesting, like reading about mitochondria and surface membranes, or ‘journeying’ to angels, (however I get there).

[2]It used to be a full on body slam and focused all along inside my left side body, so this is an improvement.

[3]Not that I didn’t before, listen that is, I had no experience or training that this could exist- so couldn’t understand them.

[4]Though we had an excellent time cooking dinner together.

[5]All this, on top of involuntarily shedding my life (divorcing, mother dying, favorite dog dying, getting several strong food allergies), I needed and (PBTA) got to retire from a job I loved but was too much at odds with my belief system.

[6]I even told them to treat me like I did with my mother when she was mentally ill, just come over for just ten minutes – and then leave whenever they felt conversation was inappropriate. Gosh, they are such snowflakes! 

[7]  But whose face I ‘saw’ in a meditation 3 months before we actually met. Was this technically the dot of Yod? Now it is his head and shoulders (most often).

[8]Total body scanning while ‘witnessing’ – noticing sensations with curiosity and detachment from emotion (judgement).

[9]I’m only imagining that- I haven’t tried it, nor would I want to!

[10]I’ve Googled several times to check if this has been reported as a paraneoplastic syndrome. Some cancers secrete hormones months or even years before they are diagnosed creating ‘signs’ of imbalance. From what I can find out, None of them have symptoms that make you feel good. For example, Myasthenia Gravis, Cushing’s Syndrome, Addison’s, Hypergonadism and make you stimulated and aggressive or weak and bone fatigued. This isn’t like that. Maybe I don’t want to know if I have something terrible; would it really matter?

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