You probably don’t know this, but many would judge me “Insane” for believing in a Higher Power, let alone G-d. That is, literally.
Most of the people I grew up with, especially the aristocratic and polished upper middle class crusts in New England and those from England, scoffed outright at the silliness and imbecility of anyone who expressed such ideas! I’m not kidding! I grew up to worship reason and logic.
And yet without Him, what was I to do with that tiny but persistent sense of terror and obliteration, that threatens deep in my heart- at least until now?
I (am) unglued, for the first time since I was four, when my essential ideals of my parent god got shattered. Even though “mentally ill”, my mother’s words cut and gutted me to slivers; her sarcasm was scathing[1]. (She did chase me around our table with a butcher’s knife when I was eight…I can now see why – having had children, they can be frustrating!)
Being “insane”, such a nasty word that cuts you, the “in-“ leading the way, then the “sane”, you’re transected by these words like a knife. Say it slowly to yourself and see where it resonates.
While I used a mask to protect what was left of me[2], I didn’t get my daily dopamine from relationships (so no serotonin), but got plenty from information, ideas and exercise.
After extracting him, my Love Daemon– the one time I despairingly ripped him out of my etheric self – trying to free myself from an intense sense of literal possession, by this man I (still) don’t even know, who’s words got in me in an unguarded moment[3].
Now, it is as if there’s a gap (I’ve mentioned before), that is until it filled with gold and ShOFR, was insatiably despairing- and became a major test of faith for me[4], at least I hope. The rest of the time, my Rumple Stiltskin-self is jumping angrily.
For months I felt crazy as II have no control of this almost palpable sensation of being loved on, kissed and nuzzled, which is constant and intense unless I address it directly-meaning try to see him.
I know to you it sounds nice, But to me, it has felt terrifying. I hate cats clinging on me, let alone people- I wouldn’t wear a chain around me neck. My powers of concentration and focus, inspired by my early heart’s deprivations, were gone (initially), I was distraught!
And then there was Covid-19. I’m in a new home, no job, no family, alone. There was nowhere to go but UP – if you know what I mean![5]
Following the Laws, as I understand them anyway- I would hate to throw myself on me!
My sense of longing for another to complete me or to care for was insatiable or I’m like the religious clerks in Qom, stifling and smothering your spirit’s freedom (until now anyway, Inshallah). Can tell you so many laws, you’d wallow helplessly and tell me to shut up – I’m being Chicken Little! Or to be the vampire that I once was.
Yet, I am so emotionally dependent on receiving pleasing approval sensations in order to express myself- “giving by sharing”, I’ve been told. Thank G-d I have my stammer.
Being “insane”, cut in half and unglued, I still experience him as intrusive- unless I call, write, or visit him in person -then it’s a abated for minutes or a few hours. My kids find this deeply unsettling; that I’m harassing him, though he won’t say it -“no”.
My addiction-fueled behavioral responses aren’t pertinent to AA meetings. I worked the 12-steps anyway, and have and will- as so far, that has been my only source for salvation.
My counselor was surprised I was still so moved by him that I’d have to go and see him. (I finally quit her; she didn’t want to hear about him and how could he ‘not love me after all he said’. ..other than what he meant for me not to have him; this I wasn’t ready to face until recently either.)
I was so hoping for an out. …But because my heart kept (keeps) telling me he ‘s real, nothing is sticking. I’ve had guys fall for me who I (always) tried to let down gently because they weren’t really my type. One was obsessed, and it was frightening- I didn’t like him at all. Another wanted to marry me! Thank heavens he took my “no” of a sorts, for an answer.
It is only recently; I realized that he, this entity, isn’t going anywhere.
When I was up at the Arctic Circle on my foray towards re-integration from loss and change, and because I can[6], I started writing texts to him. First friendly, but then more warmly, I felt like Anna and Elsa the Ice Queen sisters- both of them at the same time. I did leave a couple of sweet messages- but I’m no Tony Wiener- didn’t send any soft porn. He hasn’t responded.
It’s Ok for me to practice- no matter what happens. I’ve never been that interested in a man.
But then, in 15months that’s been 5 times- hardly harassing or practicing!
I’m having fun- I guess. My little dragon being is having a fun time of this at any rate (and now isn’t always small). Poke me in the eye. This etheric romance is like having a coma boyfriend- he might just wake up.
Sure there’s still the chance this is all really nuts- he’s a player who has other commitments-and then that would shift me – actions speak louder than words– but so far nothing like that seems in evidence – I spent all last year begging him to tell me, “no” -that he wasn’t interested! He didn’t, so, he needs my attentions too.
At least, as the Universe prepared me for this transition – which often speaks to me through my intuition (when I listen, that is, especially when I take my own advice literally).
A few years ago for Kabbalah class, I visualized a pearly bridge across my Daath chasm made with 100 things I loved about myself. That image persists, at least consciously. Subconsciously is another thing! It helps when I recall it. No matter what, I’ll get through this.
Meanwhile, I am riveted to the reality of being separated from his being, though not his heart and soul[7]– impaled like a bug with a needle stuck through- though of gold. It is such weirdness.
Note – Immediately after posting this a very painful toe condition, which had me limping, seems to have completely stopped. Since then (less than 24 hours) I’ve done 2 ballet classes and a vinyasa series- and am walking fine! If only my ankle, hip and shoulder, would settle just a little! Lol, at least I don’t NEED a chiropractor yet. And I still have one visit with my old ‘doctor’ yet.
[1]Where did she learn that – to use words as weapons, along with her body?
[2]Hiding behind my glasses.
[3]A cupid’s arrow flew into my solar plexus and heart 2 weeks after husband asked for a divorce while I was in a deep place of painful reflection, and relatively unguarded, when he met me and said words with personal intensity to me.
[4]I’m still not sure I passed.
[5]I am very thankful for 420 in our state. Without it I’d be locked up…but maybe not, now I’m thinking, maybe using that delayed a reckoning, as they say?
[6]As a healing servant, he keeps his personal cell phone listed for his patients. I left messages.
[7]In the mystery school I learned our soul extends 300 feet in all directions- never mind quantum laws everything past present and future is already manifest in each moment. we aren’t that far apart in space it seems either. I’m pretty sure I’d have eventually met him- being already familiar with many businesses in his immediate neighborhood. It was just a matter of time after moving, that I’d need a new chiropractor.
