“love”

My experience with love, up until a particular event happened on All Saint’s Day last year, was something I didn’t know at all, other than a glimpse here and there. The persistent, daily, continuous feeling that I’m wanted, cared for, and even maybe needed (that’s the hardest for me to conceive of, other than being used).

I know to those who’ve never lost it, won’t and can’t understand deep loss, I’m wasting my breath. Lol, that’s the story of my life. With others, I don’t bother trying to explain myself, people always tell me I’m too confusing, at least until now*. [1]

These desperate sensations of ‘love’, I have experienced as a result of a ‘Cupid’s Arrow’, very fortunately unrequited, has brought about some profound healing, or so it seems.  

Imagine the softest white ermine – laying over my heart like the fresh exudate that naturally Band-Aids an abrasion. With this is a feeling of deep protection, safety and at-one-ness (atonement), holding me like gently peaked meringue. [I would have run from it like lightening in the past.[2]] This softness- a sweet and tender blanket of ambrosia feels like new possibility and of being deeply loved in spite of all.  For me, a blessing from the G-ddess, she’s laid very gently over a raw and bleeding breast; feelings prior to which I was mostly numbed. 

After all, in a span of three years, I lost being a physician doing what I loved, then there were gone: eggs, oatmeal, wine, my mother Abigail (this is chronological, she was a big loss, I’m not going to kid you- obviously), Thalia, my black and white tuxedo cat and my dragon spirit’s familiar. My dog Chloe, who I swear was a reincarnation of a dog that died much too young when I was 15, my physical relationship with my father, fired my brother, both Donalds BTW.

Then we, Josh first, then tracked by Sam, caught my husband J in a lie- so he told me we were divorcing (I made him repeat it three times, and he did… so it’s law).

OK, this are heavy things, but no-thing in life in the myriad of existences and realities is 100% bad; there’s always been just what I needed, right around the bend. I found a lot of help and support with the Twelve-Step Program and it had really made life SO MUCH better already.

But divorce hard sucker-punched me in a deep place I didn’t know.

So that raw gaping heart, cleared as it happens from prolonged meditation and a prior night of screaming in my pillow, refreshed after strenuous yoga class and shower that morning, was shiny out in the open and ripe for the verbal salvo that dumb jackass said to me, words that created his sense of possession (though the foveas[3]are important too). 

With my guides’ and Higher Powers’, albeit with 420 support, has provided insights totally new. In fact everything has changed or is changing – just like intuition told me when I was meditating early last October.

Indeed, in the space from whence I ripped him out very early on to send to “greener pastures”, has risen some version of etheric shofar from which I aspire to write from.

Sure, LD is a transference projection. According to Mark Tyrell, a great hypnotist in the UK, my sensations include “heart-sickness” which until the 20thcentury was a recognized diagnosis. The physical reaction generates from dopamine circuitry, identical to addiction, lurking in the depths of our primal brain to ensure procreation. It’s a circuit in both men and women that can’t just turn on and off.[4]

That circuit is under a different set of rules set by the hive mind resonance- no doubt! But with hypnosis can be helped and certainly has. LD is once more almost just a person, barely a dot, of in a sea of billions of beings.

Tyrell’s hypnotic sessions (all on-line, $15- cheap) have alleviated my longing and pain, though LD still stands a pillar before me, kissing against my shoulders and lift my sternum up. As a result my posture is a little better, at least in ballet class, I’m told. And I’ve been so frequently laughing out loud and smiling, my face hurts.  I remember how much my face ached for days after smiling at my wedding! 

This energy isn’t going away and radiations of sweet intensity continue to go here and there. He never leaves. So it’s as if we are never apart either-even though separated in the flesh. So I’ve subsumed him letting his face be swum away. It’s all good.

I know it is G-d’s plan. Everything. Which is why I fearlessly reserved my place in northern AK to view the Northern Lights. I am so psyched!!! Everything is Inshallah. We can only follow heart’s desires.


[1]Carolyn Casey, a mythic astrologer, recommends to use “get to” instead of “have to”, putting “until now” when considering strong negative unsolvable events, and dumping toxic mimicry into Pluto’s cauldron, ladling out alternate endings. For this I am deeply indebted- and I pay Coyote News Network for her inspirations!

[2]I’m fickle as f*ck without a commitment- an INTJ all the way go!

[3]The central focus of the macula where we see and ‘see’. Every structure in the eye has reciprocity with every other connection, meaning that it is modulating responsively. The fovea, as command and control, reflects each hive mind (solid reticulated organs) in whole and many other layers of information are concentrated there. Each hive mind lighting up with resonance to reflect our very soul.

[4]I’m working on an essay about “modesty”, for sure!

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