Possession (L.D. #1)

This is really the FIRST of several posts. I am still a pre-novice in Word Press! The second is, “Love Daemon”, and last, or next to last, I haven’t decided yet, is, “The Healing”. I hope this helps at least one person feel they are not alone in having an out of control response to an external event that seemed completely uncalled for! Blessings.

So, after (recently) becoming aware of the possibility of spiritual possession – or the experience of having a spirit or energetic entity merge with a psych. It seems I’m experiencing this after a series of strange and extraordinary coincidences.

An entity, loving in this case, seems to have jumped into my heart!

Even now, 10 weeks later, I can’t shake him- nor do I really want to, LOL.

Here are the following long drawn out and winded narrative of the events that lead to this happening.

Several months ago during the summer, the fleeting notion occurred to me of being rapturously loved-for who I really was. Not just my “smart, beautiful, doctor” self, but a deeper beauty. This was in a dream, while I was meditating, an image of a bright-eyed, handsome man popped fleetingly onto my inner screen. Lol, like I could even deserve that! But heck, it felt good and sound, so OK.

With my history of being abused by mother, abandoned by father, and long-term heart-less connection with my ex-husband, my heart stabbed, crushed and hardened, even as my life’s work has been to clear and heal, this image felt like a little puff of air – a glimpse of a possibility.

I promptly forgot all about it.

Six weeks later, my husband asked for a divorce. Two weeks after that, in shock and anger (he was cheating), I went on a silent meditation retreat to ponder the whole situation previously scheduled months earlier. I spent most of it crying with the full moon.

Amazingly, just afterwards, I got several opportunities to do Reiki. This was a odd, having had NO clients for the last eighteen months -having let my ‘space’ go. But I had a friend who did have space.

Not one to say “no” to the universe, I said “yes”. Was this wise?

I’d been a clinician for 30 years, worked at tough ERs in Washington DC as attending physician, and trained Reiki master, among other things, so I wasn’t that concerned about any emotional conflicts- I am surrounded by angelic “protection” (or so the “intuitives” tell me), wear amulets, and have effective rituals for preparing a space. (LOL-so I thought!)

So, fresh off my retreat, but now further cleansed with three nights of white furious rage, restlessness, and fuming (at the divorce), invigorated from an hour and a half of vigorous “power yoga”, as my 500 hour yoga teacher likes to say, well-scrubbed and, most uncharacteristically, my hair down- as I’d rushed to get there in time to set up the room energetically, my client finally arrives- thirty minutes late. He is not unattractive, and I am aware he is recently divorced.

During the chatting before starting the session, he mentions he had had a dream. This one, ‘a beautiful woman was leaning over to kiss me and she turned into Quan Yin… there was a man there too, Archangel Michael… She pulled out a squirming purple caterpillar entity from my throat.’ He was hoping I’d ‘get one out of’ his guts.

As he said this, a fleeting thought arose, “what if she had (kissed him)?” but I quickly put it out of mind.

I’m not sure if I’d told him the name of my guides, but he’d named them.

Treatment room sanctified, my being cloaked energetically, spirits invoked with blessings for the highest and greatest good, surrounded by smudged crystals and pictures of angels, the treatment ensued. An hour of holding love and light to heal his wounds, with extractions as they are called for, and some channeling, messages popped in, “warrior for Love”, when my hands were hovering over his heart, among them. He’d had a dream as a kid that G-d had told him so. My heart fluttered; and I consciously redrew my energetic shields.

As he was leaving, he said, “I really liked seeing you in your element”, (wow – I felt witnessed…I had never been witnessed that way.) and unexpectedly, blurted out as I opened the door for him, “I’m really looking for an intense and passionate relationship”. (Hmmm, I had a loss for words, probably still in a little trance myself). Then, as he had forgotten his checkbook and hadn’t paid, you know, because he ran late getting to the appointment, he said that he’d bring it by the next day. I’m like, “ok, whatever”.

As he’s going down the stairs, admittedly I was a little flustered, I double-checked the fee we’d agreed on, and he said in the kindest way, looking up at me from knee level, “You decide, just text me the amount”. It was like $3-5 a minute rather then the more usual $1-2.

“ I’ll drop it off “.

It must have been a perfect storm. His soft eyes, kindness of words, manner, our time just spent witnessing each other, my heart melted. I got the sense that something of his being just jumped into my heart and solar plexus. I swallowed.

Then he left.

Over the next hours and days, an intense, nearly intrusive, presence- an invigorating and passionate sensation, lodged into my being and me. He’s still there sometimes. I feel his cheeks brushing mine and I want to kiss his eyes and feel his heartbeat. Starting deep under my heart, sharp like the stab of a golden arrow, then growing and flowing, there’s an energetic feeling of warmth and joy that spreads shooting up like lightening into my left shoulder, then fans out as a deep and delicious sense of tender fusion and passionate, rolling-down-hills, lovemaking. I feel a bit guilty to indulge in any of it for obvious reasons (ask your priest).

Unfortunately, he did not share that experience, or if did, freaked out. He doesn’t want to explore anything. Not that I really blame him! But, geez!

After removing his dopple-ganger energetically from my field and all the way out from my left foot twice, formally banishing it, and sending it over to greener hills and pastures from my heart sanctuary, I now experience him like a distraction similar to an eye twitch. His presence is there but I mostly tell to leave. Ok, not always. 

I once had constant blepharospasm, for almost a year, whilst practicing at Madigan. It was distracting but I learned to ignore it when interviewing and examining patients. His presence is nearly as persistent.

My seasoned divorced friends say that similar things happened to them too- wild passionate crushes on younger men. Thing is, I’ve not really been attracted to younger men. I was always self-conscious about the age difference between me and my ex-; although my ex- enjoyed making me uncomfortable. My therapist thinks it’s filling a need from the divorce. My hairsylist says that guys “jump into women’s hearts” all the time. So there is that, so maybe the whole thing is some weird neurotic schizoaffective hysterical conversion. 

I’m going to ask my seasoned divorce attorney if he’s ever heard of such a thing! I know that is going to cost me. (He never replied, so I guess not?)

True irony, the day this occurred, All Saints Day, I was supposed to be elsewhere at an event. Training specifically to prevent energetic intrusions and spiritual interlopers (the class is called, “Guardians”). Mostly I wanted to learn to make Holy Water and protect myself doing energy work- I’d had intense experiences before. Though they were nothing like this. A training to which I’d long looked forward, but at the last moment decided against.

The reason I cancelled being, not to do Reiki on this guy, but because the mystery school offering it, had demanded a lifelong commitment to their spiritual lineage as part of the condition to do the training. Like a second marriage if you will. I’d even paid a deposit-$500. Luckily or unluckily, coming two weeks from my husband stating he wanted a divorce, there was NO WAY I was promising myself to a new marriage. I’m pretty sure I made some out loud comment to the effect “no f*cking way…would commit myself to anyone or anything…”

LOL, what a cosmic fart!

Still, I do feel punished to have been torn wide open and now especially….I just don’t understand it. I’m sure not doing any more Reiki on eligible males though, and wearing with a mask and gown with everyone else. Experiencing this rejection has been the most painful experience in my whole life. Touché universe.