Why did I become an adept?

Life presents challenges for everyone, rich or poor, throughout life. In astrology and numerology, the most severe challenges, or tests if you will, tend to happen in one of our major transitions child, young adult, older adult, or when aged. This is (numerologically) predicted by your name and birth date, which then define your pinnacles of major and minor challenges.

For most people, these tests come in older years as many, if not most, people have loving early families with at least one parent that’s emotionally available.  That was not to be in my case.

For me, the path my soul chose was to be born unwanted, technically illegitimate, which in the 1950s was taboo, and to a Mother who was an emotionally immature but intellectually “brilliant” woman. I was treated like her life wrecker. I ‘knew’ or at least felt deep dislike from her, when I was four.  (She’d fed me onions and mustard as a punishment then locked me in my room for so many hours I defecated and was soiled). She allowed me no dignity.

I’m sure she wasn’t alone in thinking  a child ruined her life, in the mid-50s there wasn’t birth control, and she was isolated enough that she couldn’t get an abortion. Many other women shared similar fates while they were being messaged to go to college, rather than finishing or secretarial school. That they should have a career- in addition to raising families and taking care of emotional and physical life. Most of their own mothers had little or no education. My mother’s mother completed eighth grade and never learned to drive which was typical; it still is in many countries.

Life experiences from mother and daughter were  and are vastly different. Who provides guidance of how to balance new choices and guide as life presents opportunities and challenges?  Concerning stepping out Dad or mom – depending on girl’s (or boy’s) least involved- and thus more mysterious), grandparents whose response tend to be limited and stereotyped for fear of offending – or hoping to avoid disagreements with the unknown in-law- so tending toward conservancy); later church and school?

What are healthy boundaries and what do they feel like?

Until now, men dictate what and how new women to the workforce appear they enter the working world- they were the ones hiring, as well women who define and set standards for etiquette.

the 50s transition period churned out women pitted against each other. “Progressives”, who often contributed financially to the family’ fortune and identified with intellectual stimulation and career, versus more traditional women groomed to be their husband’s chattel and support, emotional anchors, and family matriarchs.]

I bore the brunt of mother’s fury being eldest of three. In our case, family dynamics became progressively dysfunctional as Mother was diagnosed with schizoaffective psychosis. Dad, in the habit of cheating on women -impregnated my mother when he was still married, then continued to philander- he was restless.

Sure there’s always someone that believes and loves you because without that “someone”, children shrivel and die. For that I credit my father.  I didn’t choose him (at least not in any non-metaphysical way).

Also I ‘chose’ to be born a Pisces, which in the West is considered a joke. Pisces tend to be over-imaginative and strongly intuitive “dreamers”. As puritan values dictate being materially “productive”, Piscean insights are generally scorned.

My family situation was offset by being born in a beautiful location, lovely Marblehead Massachusetts with pristine air, surrounded by ocean and harbor, and having a perfect four season climate- buffering maritime its rare to have bitter coldness.

I loved nature and the earth, and it loved me back.

I was even lucky enough to be born on an island – Marblehead Neck! There, I could safely roam within the bounds of a road (there were no fences), though I earned the privilege of being tied to a large evergreen tree as a two-year old, my roaming was so unnerving! Boy, did I learn how to observe bugs and pine needles!

When Mother really broke down, around age 5, I was unexpectedly taken by her to California, under pretenses, to live with her parents. This was the beginning of a series of cross-country moves. What broke my heart was Dad hiring a detective to kidnap my brother back- but not me. She also left my only doll. According to psychologists today, that alone can feel like death to a five year-old.

I retreated into a protective shell. Despite having learned early on how to walk on eggshells and observe and predict her moods, I still got almost daily corporal punishments- with her furious. Staying out of trouble, I became an excellent reader and buried myself in books from all genres. My favorites were fairy tales, fables, and Russian literature- all descriptors of often harsh circumstances with their fragments of wisdom even if humorless.

My diverse city school was my salvation. Although once I learned our oleander hedge was poisonous I flirted with eating them (luckily ‘they’ said “no”). I was seven.

Regardless of my trying to soothe her, for the next several years, Mother flew into furious tirades; I started running away to avoid corporal contact.

Despite her USC degree in anthropology, she couldn’t hold down a job. Frustrated after being fired from the Hearst Castle, she cut off my braid to mid-occiput, while I was reading! Another time stood over my face unclothed, and threatened to pee. She destroyed my art projects I had worked on especially for her. The latter was hardest to bear at the time.

By the age of ten I was running away and hitchhiking (albeit very locally) along the coast of California. The Zodiac Killer was on the loose in the same area. I was in fifth grade.

We, my mother, grandmother, and I became good friends with our local police who were frequently called to find me.

Mother tended to move an average of every 11 months either back and forth across country, fleeing earthquakes (‘71), bad neighbors, or generally trying to win back my Dad (which always failed). We moved often enough so I rarely started or finished a school year with the class. We finally returned to the East Coast as I turned 13.

As I sexually matured, her dis-ease progressed. She became more unhinged and sexually assaultive or  violently suggestive, ostensibly to put fear  of sex and men into me. To soothe, I turned to drugs and alcohol and chronically running away but then – those were options given me. (I didn’t know about kundalini and tantra.)

For much of seventh grade, I brought a backpack to school to check behind the principle’s front desk. I sometime slept in graveyards, abandoned cars, and the clothing recycling box at Pennies parking lot.

After panhandling for a one of several episodes in Cambridge, to enter an abandoned building I needed to check to see if the knife was there – otherwise saying aloud, “TD sent me” while ascending several flights of stairs (otherwise be stabbed as an intruder). Often were times I slept on complete strangers’ floors.

These were difficult years to be sure, but I also learned that most people have basic goodness. I learned to be resilient and rely on myself. For years thought of myself as a survivor.

Those experiences also created a terrible scarring of thoughts though and difficulties with trust- like “what is trust?”- there’s how much can I rely on another for anything – and loving to be in charge. (I wrote a nineteen page essay on trust but haven’t published yet.)

Eventually, this lead to an arrest for trespassing and being placed into foster care when I was 14.

Unfortunately, I was wild and life is convoluted. By the age of 16, I became an emancipated ward of the state and moved to an apartment with several nice young men. But I was relentless in trying to create some semblance of family at the same time. I kept contact with everyone- both biologic and foster parents celebrating and sharing holidays with each group.

I fell in love and lived with a man who was as kind as I was crazy, (J. B. may he RIP), although I broke his heart too going to college (he’d freed me by breaking up first).

I always blamed his chiropractor for failing him and his severe back pain and migraines; not being able unstick him from his father’s brick cleaning jobs.

It also signaled the end of my most challenging pinnacle to date (Inshallah).

How did I straighten up?

Not being religious, as ‘Jesus loved the little children but certainly not me’ (!), I became Buddhist (in nature). I learned astrology and from that, my strengths and weaknesses – my karmic debts and potential rewards. I accepted that in a past life I must have done terrible things to deserve this childhood. Though accepting it intellectually didn’t cure the emotional pain.

Reading about my personality and challenges, in the black and white of an astrology chart that I calculated, was eye-opening. The intense criticisms especially from my mother- of what I had experienced to date, was predicted in that natal chart!

Laugh if you must, but that gave me great healing. Nonetheless, I knew that no -one believed in astrology where I lived, so didn’t pursue it further. Although in my high school yearbook I wrote I was interested in biophysics and astrology.

Around age 16 I’d been feeling increasingly suicidal, (a pervasive sense of nihilism), and felt living was useless- even though I knew suicide wasn’t an answer – I figured I’d reincarnate again into an even worse life – in addition to having to atone for any pain or sorrows left from this life – let alone the last ones unfinished.

Buddhism, which my father seemed curious after his travels to Japan (with the Army in Okinawa),  I wondered if I was fulfilling some sort of karmic destiny.

After a particularly turbulent week, I received a dream that would change my life.

I dreamt of entering a large ultraviolet spiral that transported me to an alternate universe. Black and white with a lot of shaded grays. A temple stood with wide marble stairs and ornate railings. Wearing garb, I ascended to be greeted by the Holy Mother.

I begged her to let me return but she said, “no, your work is not yet done… you must do your work as a teacher”. Obediently (OK maybe I shrugged a little), I returned down the stairs and woke up in ordinary reality.

As a result of this dream, I started to sober up, emotionally, and began applying myself more responsibly in school.

None of that made me an adept, but that’s the ‘back story’ that presented my challenge of what most needed healing- for me.

By 16, I knew I must learn to “forgive” all those who had hurt me: especially my parents, by whatever means necessary. My pains from betrayal ate at me…not them. More like gnawing with occasional big bites.

I knew of no road to assuage the intense emotions that were very easily stirred. In my twenties, while I was still addicted to anger and raged at anything that reminded me of unkindnesses- becoming like my mother), I was also open to receiving healing from serendipity.

Early on I sought counseling, whenever it was suggested, and kept at that when I had the means. I sang in choirs. I danced and especially loved ballet class. Music, especially the evenness of Mozart and intervals of Bach, became life rafts.  In my 30s discovered the Twelve-Step programs.

I became a doctor at the state university (paid for by BEOG and learning contracts) thinking I could help others with Medicine as it’s practiced.

(“Doctor” means to teach. I traveled to the mountain- literally visiting the Himalaya and winter camping solo in the Rockies. I went to observe what seemed like peace and contentment and was struck by its industry.)

The pit in my heart finally started to soften with marriage and the birth of my sons, especially the needy one (you know who you are). But in the end, as my kids went through challenges I wasn’t well prepared for, my back really hurt in somatic frustration.

Medical treatments and massage barely managed my discomforts. While yoga gave me some relief, monthly exacerbations lead to a daily use of narcotics. Additionally, I still had fear of going to sleep and frequent inevitable visceral nightmares. Most nights I numbed.

Direct revelatory experiences with Reiki and Shamanic journeying, opened a conscious door to the Divine, while I was still in the flesh. That made my back pain manageable- at least drop a few points.

During a meditation led by William Rand, a well-known Reiki master, my ‘guides’ brought me to another place than where Mr. Rand was leading us.

Deeply relaxed after freeing the room of previous entities – and blessing with Reiki’s helping spirits , had a strong sense of spinning and being lifted skyward. As I rose up, ‘goo’ and thick tarry substances peeled off the outer and middle edges of my being. A lot of ‘goo’ flung off. Afterwards I felt lighter and had a sense of clarity.

Even though I “knew” I had more to release, I felt ‘permitted’ to rise up towards a bright ‘star’- one of an infinite number.

Approaching this star, I could see wriggling like it was alive or a bag of worms. Coming closer, individual forms resolved and I could see there were worm-shaped light beings. Almost exactly like the light beings I would later see flying over the Northern lights on my trip to Iceland.

As I started to merge with this pod, I would ‘touch’ here and there. Parts of me combined with the other light beings’ forms as if corresponding to individual chakras. With each touch, I experienced exhilaration. Like when you have an intense heart-to-heart, or mind-to-mind, gut-to-gut sharing with a complete stranger (entailing no emotion or  expectation).

After we would ‘share’, I would detach and move on.

There was that one being who merged with me completely! Wow, that left me nearly orgasmic for several days. I distinctly thought it was reassuring he was there for me…even if not in this life- as I was already in a lifelong committed marriage (or so I thought at the time).

Finally there was one being like Teflon. Experienced as a ‘she’. She wanted nothing to do with me, or my energy, at all!

Felt just like the experience I was having with my then boss- a  woman many years my junior, and few others, fortunately.

This boss seemingly had a deep dislike for me, which I  couldn’t fathom, having done nothing in my conscious awareness, to offend her at all!

That really opened my eyes to the energy of rejection as an incompatibility of frequency. Funny how all those seventies’  vibe phrases now seem apt.

In the “real” hotel conference world, there was no one in the training with whom I was sitting that shared those energies or resonance.

That night – still reflecting on the experience, I could ‘see’ other light beings stuck in or emerging from thick and oozing tar- Each still sparks of the Divine.

My take away – We are all light beings, even the worst of us. That however doesn’t excuse us from consequences of our free will. Karma is a Bitch and a Blessing.

Second big episode that challenged my rational mind, left-brained thinking, and logic, was at a yoga retreat, which I really didn’t want to go to, but felt I “must”.

The retreat was being held at beautiful Harmony Hill on the Hood Canal- free for anyone with metastatic cancer. Man, one would think I believed cancer was contagious, I didn’t want to go so strongly!

After driving the 2  hours I arrived the evening before, and after a light dinner at lovely Alderbrook resort right down the road, with two oysters and a glass of wine, went to bed. I mention the oysters because, you know, they’re associated with causing changes in perception sometimes.

Early the next morning I awoke with a vivid dream about a young man interrupted me on my path of life. While he was chopping (without eye protection) a wood chip flew into his left eye and he needed help. As he couldn’t see and was alone and in pain, I accompanied him to the doctor and argued with the surgeon about the procedure. There was a sense that If he had had better insurance, it might be possible to save his sight.

In the end, it was enucleated. In my dream he could barely sense light in that eye. Waving his hand in front of his face, he was shattered to have lost his vision.

The dream was upsetting. I had never seen any eye injury before nor attended any eye surgery or enucleation. I didn’t know anything about procedures that could have saved his eye-even if he had the money.

As these dreams go, it troubled me throughout the day of the retreat. I wondered if a child had stayed in the room and had lost his eye to cancer! What was that about? I planned to ask the resident nurse manager later.

Afterwards, I invited the woman from across the hall, I’ll refer to her as H. to have a glass of wine with me. She said, “sure”.  Exiting the building together and descending the stairs, I said, “wow, I had the weirdest dream last night”, and proceeded to briefly mention the details, including wondering if a child might have had an eye cancer in the room.

She looked at me and said,” Oh my G-d, that’s my life!”

WHAT???

This was H’s story:

‘H was trying to break off an affair with a man whose son had had an injury to his left eye while he was chopping wood (without eye protection).  H had accompanied him to the surgery and argued with the physician about the procedure begging him to save the eye even though the insurance wouldn’t cover it. On that same day as the injury, the boy’s mother was giving birth to a new baby- so mom was completely unavailable to support her son. Leading my new acquaintance (another Pisces, it turns out) to feel obligated, to advocate, and support him. Of course the boy’s Dad was distracted with the new baby and all.

This interrupted with her life plans, as she wanted to break off her affair with this married man, but couldn’t since she felt she’d be abandoning his son.’

There. How does one explain that?

And now add Nostradamus to the list – with him I have 100% affinity – except emotional – 99%.

Or really, mansplain, since anything that’s accepted for reality seems to need to be endorsed by men. I had not overheard any conversation or phone calls.

My neurology friends haven’t “heard” of this.  What do you think?

There have been several other experiences maybe not as dramatic, but certainly life changing as those two, which I’ve related.

Must I still be ashamed to have “left” medicine? No, I’m relieved.

Today, I feel love in my life. I experience the love of family and little by little am learning to be OK with emotional discomfort. My boundaries are healthier without guilt or resentment. My cup is filled more often.

Am I completely healed? Of course not. But I do know what it takes to come from the depths of darkness and despair, out into light and love- WHILE living amongst the planet (rather than in a monastery).

Will my approach help everyone, I can’t say. I know what has worked for me. While medications, surgeries, and pills, booze and shopping do not heal, they stave off our psychic pain and foster co-dependence.

Listening to intuition from dreams and meditations, provides opportunity for synchronicities to guide us along our paths.

Everyone has intuition. Our  paths are like snowflakes, no are two alike. They can, even must, all be honored – then how much more productive possility.