Short emphatic answer today. “NO”!!!
In all fairness, while my body is definitely not as young, flexible, or strong as it used to be, my heart feels much lighter than ever before.
Even when I was a kid I felt really weighed down. As I grew older, my burdens felt heavier.
I would laugh (with a decidedly grim feeling), when people would tell me to “lighten up”. I had no idea how to do that – nor how to “play” at all. Just give me a cold beer and I”ll sit quietly and ponder while others prattle.
With my perceptions and what I heard (not actually seen or experienced myself) of reality in the “big wide world”, I always thought it was my task and dharma to somehow help mankind to create a new reality without war.
Really I knew this was my ‘task’ all along – even when I was a very young toddler. I had inklings of, “it’s lonely at the top”. I remember around 3 or 4, when my parents were having a cocktail party asking some garrulous guest why he felt he had to ‘short’ his customers in order to make a living – and his reply was that’s how it was done. In my mind I’m thinking, not if everyone in the world gives you a dollar for something you did that was super helpful.
As it turned out I became an allopathic doctor and earned a salary instead. I read the newspaper where solutions don’t present themselves; I got demoralized instead.
I had no desire, nor did it seem my fate to be a housewife which most in my peer group came to be. At least on the surface. Maybe they’re CEOs under cover.
Either way, they talk(ed) about beauty treatments, clothes, sports, games and report cards – which I thought were mostly inane. I had no time for art or music.
Even though it turns out they’re right. When you want to keep your peace, focus on your world and no others. But as you know, lady luck doesn’t always play along. Once in a while, she’ll throw you in the deep zone. Better have a life preserver.
Having children (sorry “kids”) felt obligatory. Marriage was a slog. Even going to fantastic places, which we did often, my ex- wasn’t one for any sort of nuance. He focused on himself. We rarely shared any sense of intimacy though there were plenty of opportunities. Thank G-d I’m free.
So yes, today is exactly where I’m glad to be and in no other place.
Everything is Inshallah via Allahuma, or as I like to think – a la hu(e)ma(ns).
