This is written in response to today’s New York Times article about depression and living in chaotic clutter. This is an expanded version of my comment.

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Living in clutter my whole adult life, I’ve read many how-to clean/ how to de-clutter books.

For me, the energy draining problem was from being internally oppressed- me consciously and unconsciously suppressing my opinions about daily life- which often seem at odds with other’s in my milieu.

Objectively my demeanor might have looked like I’m depressed. I guess.

Depression can look like fatigue or anger, anhedonia- loss of experiencing pleasure, appetite dysregulation, and chronic substance use. Though the latter wasn’t necessarily mis- or ab- used, and by minimalist standards, my affect looked put together, I fit the criteria.

I often wore green-grey monochrome, my hair pulled back tightly and ~never makeup, rarely offered opinions, and was unhappy.

I usually feel like a blue dot in a red sea (I am curious about multiple forms of governance – not just western ones like so-called “democracy”), and a red dot in a blue one (I’m ardently pro-life).

After conversations about these hot topics especially on the “news”, I usually feel quite drained – with barely energy to prepare healthy meals, let alone clean up and organize after myself, let alone my children. Of course, having those 2 glasses of wine doesn’t help.

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Regardless of my personal pity pot, pets and toddlers helped me to be aware of potentials for “disasters”.  

I learned how to “kid-proof” a house. With huge effort could prepare for a guest – but otherwise had no free counter space.

I applied Feng Shui principles. As energy flow starts with de-cluttering- I picked up my trash (and did not add mirrors!). But a bit passive-aggressively, I left the rest for my cleaning lady.

Even so, on counters and tables, I noticed little areas had “precious” mementos (like versions of altar), so I made them into “protected” space. Little by little, I was able to create small focal points of clarity in my room and the house at large.

With Marie Kondo’s method I surrounded myself with “things I love”.  This really helped later when I got divorced. At least the stuff I moved with me didn’t have guilt or similar feelings associated with them.

I notice similar objects often seem to coalesce – so I let them self organize- and keep “like things” together.

Having few friends from my on-going sense of internal oppression, now better due to a number of factors, but not medication or counseling (I’ve literally had the experience of being “possessed” by a loving ~spiritual entity for the last three years- no one wants to know about it!), little by little, my house and gardens have really shaped up.

My cats are quite helpful too – as they’ve learned to jump on things – and find treats. For that reason, my counters are mostly clear now!

Today I wouldn’t be too worried if a friend came for a visit. My house is ~clean and tidy inside and out (almost)- still have my office to go!

While I am managing my worries about saying my truths, I speak out now- gently, whenever the occasion arises – such as with neighbors or my family, even though my point of view is often radically different than theirs.

And yes, I’ve “lost” most of my friends with these utterances- especially about being “possessed”, but I know they weren’t really friends- and I don’t miss them much.

I feel quite good about being called an “amazing” and “pro-lif-ic” writer (one who rights as well as writes)- which well describe me.