Thought you might like my little update.
A question- what do you think of this ongoing ghostly entity who keeps loving on me?! (without my permission!)
While I realize, as in gradually come to know and understand, this projection/ dream, which I experience as intrusive “possession” stemming from a Reiki event over three years ago, might not have happened at all (?), I’m still experiencing ‘him’ or it as a familiar ghost.
‘He’ is still very much with me throughout my days and – felt as rapture sensations. Usually they (rapture sensations) just start happening when I’m least aware . Especially as I’ve been giving up pot[1], my dis- and reintegration is ~constant.
Several times a day I can describe the appearance of his face, lips and eyes- looking directly at me. I experience an energetic engagement I’d not thought possible, (if you’d asked me a lifetime ago). Every morning I hear “You’re so beautiful” When I start to make my toast or set on the tea kettle.
Sometimes I feel like I’m in a goldfish- bowl – no matter where I am or turn to, he enters into my auric field from all directions- and stays there. Sometimes he walks into me or sits next to or behind me; other times I’m in his lap or he’s in mine.
Then, I ‘see’ him clearly in my mind’s eye.
Often we have “conversations”; I can see his mouth and lips moving along with expressive facial features and articulating with his hands. he nods while listening (and then has something to add). He ‘talks’ to me –but I can’t make out what he’s saying.
He seems sincere. He’ll stroke his beard a bit absent-mindedly – or rub his eyes and face when tiring.
His eyes tend to be sparkly- and he often has a big shit-eating grin; I’d swear he’s the happiest man on earth! (For his sake, I hope so, of course in reality I don’t know.)
Unless I’m actively engaged with someone or outside pulling weeds ‘he’ ~continually intrudes on my space and sense of self. (I guess we know where his priorities lie- not in the garden!); but he is often “in” my kitchen.
He can be a little playful. Yesterday he ‘tapped me’ on my shoulder. Sometimes he’ll poke. Normally Ms. Control freak, I especially hate being startled or teased. When my ex- did this, granted he never seemed especially kind, I’d feel violated.
And yet ‘he ‘ my L.D. , “does” that too- and gets away with it. Meaning I laugh and enjoy going with his flow. He’s a built-in decepticon- taking me off task. Though sometimes I tell him to “get lost” too – and he usually does. For a little while.
In appearance and actions he still isn’t the same way twice. He can be young (like 25), old (like 50+s, as he has been more lately), but mostly seems around 40.
His hairstyles’ are usually long, though not as wild as my son who looks a cross between Jesus and a demon veering towards dreads, which is funny. The actual man wears his hair short almost to army regulations, though usually has stubble.
In my dream (usually of his upper torso), he often wears a crisp shirt-as he presses into my solar plexus. Otherwise he might be embracing me wearing a sleep shirt.
And then there’s this sense of pressure as he ‘stretches out’ on top of me pinning me down in place. Did I ever say I was (frantically) averse to commitments? At least my shackles are ribbons.
And then there’s the kissing…now mostly tender. But I wrote about that already in my “kisses” essay. His kisses (and nose nuzzlings) continue to be racy! Phew.
If I were in Britain, I might marry him already[2].
So seriously, what would you call this ~state?
Mashallah Habibi even though ‘he’s’ a mystery to me.
All is Inshallah.
[1] My lungs prefer to breath fresh high mountain air- and here it’s fire season, so there’s already lots of fine smoke residue in the air. Smoking (pot) was the only way to get any separation from an intense sense of his foreign presence in my core and body ongoing for the last ~3 years and is my preference. I’ve been a pretty off and on user since I was 13- and quite like it. For the first time, I don’t ‘need’ it so much. Nonetheless I honor the aspects and functions of emitting smoke from my mouth periodically, so I’m switching gears gently.
[2] Amber Realm had several encounters with ghosts and finally married one in 2008. (I think they’ve divorced since). Falling in love with a ghost is called spectrophilia.
