Has your idea of what makes a good friend changed as you’ve gotten older?

Having and being a friend has got to be my greatest challenge. In Chinese astrology, I’m missing a whole ‘leg’ – all Mars and no Venus.

I’ve always been so single focused on my career and then family, that I couldn’t see myself in very many friendships because I was already tapped out so to speak. Always obsessed with fitting every thing into the bigger picture, I was/am a nerd with research and ~abhor popular culture. So have little in common with most.

I wasn’t really available to others unless they needed a shoulder. Even then, I dreaded being asked to help someone-though I would.

And I didn’t tap on others in general- until my love daemon came along. Then I shared (repeatedly) with one woman who could stand to hear about it… Then she tried to become his patient.

We had also danced together in some productions but since I quit the studio, and she ‘made a decision’ (about drinking, for one), we don’t really jive anymore.

Plus, I moved a lot growing up ~13 times or so by the time I was in my teens. My family was dysfunctional. I landed in foster care. So kind of like an army brat, didn’t/don’t really make close friends- feel like an outsider around those who talk about their parents adoringly or their constant caretaking.

I hate and get tired of being superficial all the time. It took me going to Alaska in 2020 until I could even lighten up!

I’m generally more comfortable in the company of men – because they sometimes have interesting things to say. But chemistry is chemistry. In time things tend become awkward; whether I said, “yes” or “no” – my reputation would be ruined. At least that’s been my experience (until I aged).

Even with children, I had almost nothing in common with women. I had both my kids when my ex- was a captain in the Army – after I’d practiced for years already as a physician.

Most moms were still in their 20s when their children were in elementary school. Almost none of them had worked outside the home – either their parents’ or their spouse’s.

Already, I was pretty old. Could more easily pass as my kid’s grandmother; had bifocals when my child was in kindergarten.

I would usually find one person to kinda hang out with. The two of us could stand each other basically. Usually we’d both be creative misfits- and neurodivergent. At least those friendships lasted the longest. That was my MO. (modus operandi)

I still have a couple of those friends- one friendship has even recently bloomed though she lives thousands of miles away. I can almost be myself with her. We spend hours on the phone. And we do have a few overlapping interests- not just one so conversations have pith to them.

She’s also deeply spiritual and modest- as I am too. Though she doesn’t often refer to it.

I am learning to be patient. i talk fast when I’m excited- can be rude and speak over her though I try not to. Her words are far more ponderous as she speaks quite slowly. I’m trying to be a better listener.

Most people that I know or relate to now are, like me, single minded and focused in their pursuits. We are the definition of introverted.

Silence is ok. Sometimes I like to let a conversation lag- to see if it deepens. And it almost always does. So basically I put people who don’t like to gab, on the spot. Those tend to be best visits of all. Then they get to do that to me which I appreciate.

But given what the last few years have shown me about myself, I can see why I needed to be such a loner. I had a torrent of ideas that needed to be focused and articulated.

There are no mistakes or accidents, all is Inshallah!

Dig deep. Find your light. It’s there, just cloaked and dimmed.