L.D.#11 (A rant)

I once met a man, who gave me a shine.

He seemed like no other- to both ‘get’

and like,

my heart’s spiritual side.

*

He had gone out of his way –

as in giving up two Saturdays

and a Friday,

To meet me and get Reiki.

*

And too was in my dream states,

real and metaphorical,

His eyes, lips, and mouth,

had unusual sparkle (even as I chased him brandishing a rolling pin (or cast iron skillet)- now I don’t remember which).

*

Psych must have thought she ‘knew’ him already-

you wouldn’t believe the other things she told me,

as I was meeting him for Reiki on that fateful All Saint’s .

I did find her ‘messages’ perplexing, to say the least.

*

Typical fool,

I took his attentions personally.

Lol, It was hard not to-

His timing was impeccable.[1]

*

He quite effortlessly uttered special syllables.

Which my heart and inner self

In smithereens from grief,

Openly accepted and received.

*

His whispered phrase in my ear – of

“Looking for intense and passionate relationship”,

Was but one of several,

Which in retrospect did seem personal.[2]

*

And became like

Worms crawling around my

head, neck,

and shoulders.

*

His suggestive mantra, and since then equivalent energy surges, continue

as if on an endless replay,

Hitting on me

several times throughout a day.

*

Apparently, he was just doing his “Voodoo practitioner” thing

– According to him, it was I who triggered his ‘healer self’.

Though he seemed to come on strong,

His attentions weren’t about me after all!

*

Neurotic and de-stitute –

I am his typical client-

As one loses standing (and connection to inspiration with the Yod after ‘st-‘),

When their once-healthy back fails them.

*

After two+ years of this strangely hell-ish existence,

When all has been said and done- and yet from him still nothing,

He’s ignored my pleas, letters, and post-it notes- even as my back went ‘out’,

Presenting me with stony silence.

*

(Until now, I dared not go to his local colleagues,

 Knowing it is my tendency

To blab under fingers,

but I will in the future.)

*

I wonder, are his inner eyes (and heart) set elsewhere –

Perhaps, on a woman more nubile and adulating

Or whose communications are limited and mostly nonverbal,

Starting with courteous, “Wouldn’t you like…” and innocuous similars?

(Like my son’s friends’ mothers, who mostly hail not from here?)

*

Or Is it too his dream (as it was my father’s)

To have her be doll-like geisha,

Good for little else, but to be available -on call,

for his fun and pleasure?

*

Also, (spout men of my family’s lineage),

she must excel at serving,

Giving, and caretaking.

And when she gets walked on-

to say no-thing.

*

(All of which is the epitome of not me-

Gray, Limping, and

With a mouth full of opinions!

Including “yes, please do, clear up after yourself!”)

*

Or is it his life has no need for estrogen’s webby clutter?

Like most men I know,

He prefers his car sterile- and

Minds[3] his guys and his media[4].

*****

Meanwhile I’m still possessed-

There’s a energy spirit flying in my soma of body–

Distracting (and forcing) me to acknowledge it.

(Sure, he ‘transforms’ on some days, but then not on others).

*

Though now, over me, also looms a big red “3”-

As in, again, the 3% reality is confronting [5][6].–

Washing over me like bucket of ice water

That he is, in fact, someone else’s habibi (?).

*

So I wrote the number”3”

in Sharpie quite visibly,

(Lest I forget and become fooled again),

Falling for one who’s not available.

*

Maybe I should get it as a tattoo-

Even if scarification is a no-no?

Good thing the razor blades

Are hiding from me.

*

And yes,

I will,

and have,

‘Called a friend’.

and maybe I’ll meet someone nice at my class reunion coming up.

*

[To add to this,

 As “G-d” loves to test in threes- (maybe to see if I can carry all my ‘straws’ -another Gimel/camel issue- as in, the straw that broke the camel’s back. It used to take five before I got sick…) https://drjenwyman-clemons.com/2022/07/03/gimel-%d7%9e%d7%9c%d7%92/

For the last couple of weeks, my kitchen has been in demolition- as it is being remodeled, my back is out from moving the stuff out (which drove my last round of communications with my chiropractor fiend), and

Just this week, I received threats of a lien

From my neighbor’s prospective house buyer who, noticing lifts in the patio, said, “he’d give me ten days…to fix”, (as in remove them) before serving me papers!

Planted in anger because of her child’s irritations,

-such as traipsing through her gardens which he used as shortcut,

and chasing  after errant balls wildly tossed, (were the examples he- the now grown up perpetrator, gave me)

These trees are appropriate for an open landscape,

Not between 20 foot spans of power lines.

So, it’s time to cut down

my beloved trees[7]

Before now, I heard not a word of concern.

(Though it is true, my sewer clogged with their roots last fall).

*

Sarcasm wells up as I am given an ‘opportunity’

To rectify an intolerant lady’s Impatience and folly (the woman who lived here years ago).

(Of course, this is karma too- maybe I need to open my vantage.)

So, I will remove her cypress trees

Half of which are over 40 feet tall.

I shudder at the thought of hearing them, the trees, scream

As I destroy habitats of bluejay, juncos and hummingbirds-

Along with the buzz of chainsaws

May it be so, I have another place to go during their deconstruction.

All is Inshallah.

But…today I want to argue with Him!


[1] I’d just “lost” at a long and frustrating marriage;

My mother and queenly pet had passed; I was resigned from my job and “calling” seeing “medicine” as no-thing but fake- together is a high stress score.

[2] Personal to me, though my therapist disagreed – she hears about guys ab-using language all the time.

[3] Minds – as in focuses his mind on or with another.

[4] Sure, he could also be afraid of me, or have me-dical issues, or….

[5] 3% seemed my chances for failure-

Meaning my chance of success was 97%. Instead of a tattoo – I made a red Shin ש of sandpaper and mounted it on a card – as touchstone, when ‘he’ was getting up.

[6] With odds like this, one can see why I don’t play the lottery.  Given the sequence of events that could only be explained by kismet- of meeting him and etcetera, I came to believe he might truly be real. Instead he is a delusional hallucination- even if I’m channeling ‘Edgar Casey’s lover (according to Astrotheme, E.C.is 100% my emotional, mental, and spiritual match- except for sex, which is 98%- This is according to our horoscope synastry, and even if he is dead- so I know where my real match is too).

[7] Trees by their nature don’t behave. They thrive in certain places – which can be a detriment. In my case, they’re invading my sewer line and, compared to a sister stand planted at the same time, have doubled in size and are rapidly growing in hazard and destructive potential. Removing them is going to seriously damage my nest egg and using the arborists’ on-line calculators, will be in tens of thousands of dollars. (Fortunately the first bid is in at 10K so I’m feeling a little better already. My back settled down with one day of rest.)

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