Insomniac now for many months, I guess it’s time once again to ‘speak’ up, if you will, Hanukkah past and Christmas around the corner. All told, I’ve felt pretty disassociated- weeks turn into months with little form in my calendar. Would I even pass a (mental) status test? At this point I’m not so sure.
I’d say it’s hard to edit and publish on WordPress, but that wouldn’t be the truth. I have written quite a lot and I have a more already typed- I think what is there, is enough for a while.
Nevertheless I write (and write and write) -about whatever triggers me.
And then I get to do life-which is luckily (mostly) pleasant. I’ve plenty to do, if I’m honest with myself. I get to care for my house, yard, and neighbors. Creates little goals for me. Mind you, for the latter, I’d as well mind my business[1].
Managing life[2], I am more touched, less possessed, by my love angel going on over two years[3]. Ever since June though, when I sent him my, “I love you” letter; my ‘psychosis’ is abated. Granted the persistence is there, but its shifts and is different- mostly in a (deeply) reassuring way.
I say mostly, because in reality, he’s not here and this extraordinary experience is imaginary.
As it continues to take over my conscious thought- ghostly interactive images of faces with eyes, 6-8 times throughout a day[4], when I suddenly find myself saying or thinking, “I love you”, in response, I started to say, “I love you too”.
It seems the “t”, in too, adds ground to the sound.
That’s gone on for the last few months. Now I can almost brush him off, like a flake of dandruff, but really not quite…he’s etherically pursuant- as well as being leading, but I don’t think I’ll need shock therapy after all.
Now when it comes on, I give my at-tu(n) ment, “I love you too”, instead of at-one-ment, “I love you”.
(I wonder if you too get one simply by reading?!)[5]..
But then I ask my inner voice, “Why now?” am I ‘thinking’ of him- being reassured by hands cheek or lips, “Why now, and not five minutes before?”; Like Socrates shifting Psyche by question- rather than imposing with fears and scorning. She wants what she wants, after all.
After a couple of queries, the answers seem worthy, so far-
Such as maybe I should[6] think twice about a choice.
Or do I want to feel secure. Or I’m second-guessing myself. (Hmm, this is interesting.)
Truthfully, if I could describe it, he’s coaching me in a school of sorts- his school, his approach. He ‘sends’ lots of music too- most of it not my choice and pretty corny, but gets me feeling a little lighter. Nonetheless, he- as man, asked me to “leave”, so far I’m in compliance. Other than wishing him “have a great day”, I’ve left him alone[7].
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Ironic really, I’d heard of being guided etherically- having teachers in your dreams, but couldn’t believe it until it happened to me. [8]
Now, here I am with my very own entity coach, just what I need- and when I’m awake, instead of when sleeping.
What’s funny is he has many approaches, cueing me as if specifically. I wrote a whole essay about his hands giving me Reiki, during my dentist visits (which I generally don’t love at all). He was so persistent, like Harvey[9], I let them (my dentist and hygienist) in on my “secret”. Seriously, I have lost all entitlement to credibility.
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Mashallah Habibi, for all I have been given, even if confusing. I am grateful for this season and each of these moments. I keep reassuring myself, I’m in the right place now.
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May you find joy and light even in the glooms of Solstice- Just think in another couple of days, our light will be lengthening (assuming you’re in the Northern Hemisphere). May your gatherings be merry and bright.
[1] You just never know (and might not want to) about your neighbors, especially being a woman and outsider.
[3] My intrusive psychological entity must be similar to a direct experience of psychosis- subconsciously triggered and conjured and still feels real.
[4] For a while, after sending my letter, I’d just “tell” it to go away – I’d ‘already told his “master”, exactly how I felt’, even still giving him an out (all he has to do is say something like, “no”). He’d told me to “leave”; I’m trying to be abscissed (lt. from ab- away, Sciendere – to cut).
[5] Some of Josephine McCarthy books about being adept crept into my subconscious right away- making me realize the power of words strung together. Or maybe I just was ready to hear them.
[6] “Should”, is a word banned and suppressed in yoga. From At-ones, yoked-with-self, ‘let your breath lead you’, perspective (allegedly literal yoga) “should” implies obligations with pressure and procrastination. We do have obligations; they do have form- a result of pressure; we are supposed to do them – and usually feel we must, yet don’t want to do it- like chores, eating a healthy diet and caring for our body soma.
The word “should” broken down -“S” for Samech, Teth coiled in unity of circle. Teth is shaped by snake (sensed desires of will). On the tree of life – willingness or lust, as expansive trust, gets blocked by Gebvurah’s severity, angles, and forms. One’s degree of willingness (Teth’s path on the tree of life) to expand (Chesed), continues- until reality (Saturn and Mars) pops one’s bubble- vibrational sense of self –the vessel/form created at a moment of at-tune-ment; Like Dad says yes, but Mom, says “No”, not until…; “H”- Heh, His window of opportunity (we do or act, for an event or situation to occur). “O” and “U” are both Vau – spirit of self- now present as two amongst surrounds- like you and your mother, you and your wife, you and a boss. “L” Lamed implies judgment – as well as nag or prodding; L is reality part of dream that seems harsh or angled; it is Vau’s cast reflection once stuck in the ground. “D”– is Dalet, a specific thing done for opportunity or gain of some person place or thing. Dalet is Chokmah’s sacred gateway – for Aleph’s breath to form Binah’s shapes, her structures pyramid; manifest with Hod’s words, arising from desert’s crystals.
[7] Maybe my kids will give me a 6-month sub to E-harmony for Christmas!
[8] (2012) when I was in the mystery school and had just started a 9 month Kabbalah class, Gudni Gudnasson, the school’s founder, came to me in a dream. (I recognized him in a picture later) In his dream, since I was student sitting at a plain wooden desk- recalling my chalky elementary school, and he was the teacher. He directed me to “buckle down”; “The course was short, so I needed to pay attention”, “do my homework” (and clean up my act). What a convenient projection. Later on the course coordinator said that was typical. And I was a pretty good student. I just couldn’t name my “tangible and measurable result”… my goal of my Kabbalah course and what I wanted – (until now). So I made a six-foot tall tree of life with Paths and Sephiroths, in the four worlds. Now I see him in it!
[9] A movie about Jimmy Stewart’s invisible 7-foot tall rabbit companion that gave him advice, made in 1950.
Jennifer, I think that after reading many if not all of your blog posts. I am concerned about the amount of time spent in fantasy. Though they are apart of a directing force of what we want – it isn’t a place we can live forever. Disassociation is tricky, but vital to stay alive with things that are so difficult to live with. I would if I a friend, and I in a way feel I am prescribe that you do one thing a week to connect you with a new person (go to a cafe – say hello to a new face – and strike up a conversation), go to a local church, play bingo with the elderly just something to reconnect you with others (and importantly new people because you are on a new journey). I was hesitant to comment for several reasons, but it felt it weighing on my conscious not to comment or say that I haven’t read your posts in my own times of Hell or Trauma – because I also have deeply abusive parents and a sibling. I pray that healing and new life and love come your way. – a stranger on the internet
Thank you for your suggestions. I’m kidding about e-harmony (of course!). Happy New Year!
..and this is my time to process as I need to. It’s OK to be slowly coming out of my shell. I do somehow get exactly what I need.
and you don’t need E-harmony to make you feel whole. You know this, you are whole. You need to get out there and do something- in order to meet new people and someone kind and smart like you. I am not saying anything I haven’t already seen alludes of in your own writings and recognitions. Thank you for writing about your trauma, so I could know that it was possible to escape my own circumstances and fight for better.